作者Mosquitoe ()
看板Translation
标题[英中] 形容音乐的一段描述
时间Thu Jan 20 22:51:26 2011
这段文字出自我正在对原文校对的小说
叙事者是个小男孩,为技艺精湛的小提琴手
他在拉这首曲子时看着觊觎他母亲的伯爵
似乎想用音乐去攻击他
请大家帮忙看看我修改後的语意是否比原译易懂呢?
或是哪里仍有不尽之处?
因为很抽象,实在没什麽把握 = =
谢谢!
[原文]
I looked at My Lord XXX of the New Creation, and played the air and its
ornaments to him, seeing the line of the tune in his loose, easy posture,
and drawing all about his curved slouch in devilish profusion my extensions
and diagrams, my lines and cross-hatching, my circles about his head and feet,
until my eyes must have bulged with the sight of all the linearities and
confusions in which I had engaged his sagging, rakish frame.
[原译]
我看着我的主人,新封的XXX伯爵,对着他拉主调和装饰音。在他轻松、安逸的姿势里
看到这曲调的主轴,於是用我大量扩张的延伸与图示──我的线条和交叉排线描画他弯
曲懒散的样子,用我的圆圈描画他的头和脚,直到我的双眼必定因装满了这所有的线性
和混乱而鼓胀,只因里头接合了他萎靡、游手好闲的身躯的关系。
[我的修改]
我看着新封的XXX伯爵大人,对着他拉主调和装饰音,看到韵律的线条附着在他轻松、安
逸的姿态上,在他弯曲懒散的躯体边恣肆描画我的延伸线和轮廓线、我的直线和交叉线,
在他的头和脚边画圆,直到我的眼球鼓胀,因为眼中所见尽是线条与混乱,我用它们来牵
制他那萎靡而游手好闲的身躯。
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