喔～難得發個分享文， 今天想來推薦一個網站， Dr. Phil：http://www.drphil.com/。 這是美國一個類似談話性質的節目， 內容包羅萬象， 在這之間把Dr. Phil的一些意見和節目內容整理集合， 做成的一個網站。 光看advice的部分就發現主題幾乎涵蓋了人生會面對的課題， 健康、生活、金錢、情愛關係、自我認知、還有減肥！！ 不過是美國節目，內容當然都是英文的... 今天無聊亂晃時，我則看到了這篇文章，挺有趣的， 以下不負責任翻譯給大家看。 ----------------------------不負責任翻譯分隔線--------------------------- (原文網址：http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/26) Ten Relationship Myths 情愛關係裡的十大迷思 Think your relationship is a failure because you and your partner aren't following certain "rules" or meeting certain standards? Dr. Phil blows the whistle on 10 of the most common but dangerous relationship myths. 你覺得和伴侶之間似乎因為沒有遵照某些「規則」或達到某些標準，所以覺得 這是一段失敗的關係嗎？Dr. Phil告訴你在一段關係裡十個最常見也是最危險 的迷思。 MYTH #1: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP DEPENDS ON A GREAT MEETING OF THE MINDS 迷思1：一段美好的關係來自於兩人想法完美一致 You will never see things through your partner's eyes because you are two entirely different people. You are genetically, physiologically, psychologically and historically different. 你絕不可能光從你伴侶的眼睛裡就看得出他/她在想些什麼，因為你們是兩個完全 不同的個體，不論在你們的基因組成上、生理上、心理上和歷史上，你們都是兩個 不一樣的人。 You will not solve your relationship problems by becoming more alike in your thinking. Men and women are wired differently. Attempting to blur your fundamentally different viewpoints is unnatural and even dangerous. 所以你不可能藉由讓兩人想法一致解決你們之間的問題。男人和女人對事緊張的態 度不同，所以若想把兩人之間根本完全不同的觀點模糊化，那是不自然甚至是危險的。 Recognize that a relationship is far more enjoyable when you're with someone who enriches your life, not simply reflects it. Appreciate your differences. 你要認知到，當你和某個不光只是反映你活著，而是能夠豐富你生命的人在一起時， 那一段關係會是非常令人愉悅的。所以要欣賞你們之間的不同。 MYTH #2: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES A GREAT ROMANCE 迷思2：一段美好的關係一定要浪漫 Yes, your life with your partner should include plenty of romance. But don't kid yourself and expect an unrealistic Hollywood fairytale. The truth is that in the real world, being in love is not like falling in love. 是滴，你和你的伴侶之間的相處應該要非常浪漫。但是別騙自己了，別期待自己 在談一場好萊塢電影裡那種夢幻般的童話故事。事實上是這樣的，在真實世界裡， 相愛容易相處難。 Falling in love is only the first stage of love. It's impossible to remain in that stage. A mature relationship will shift from dizzying infatuation to a deeper, more secure love. 陷入熱戀只是戀情裡的第一階段，而且不可能一直維持在這個階段。一段成熟的情愛 關係可以把開始時的昏頭迷戀轉變成另一種更深刻、更實在的愛戀。 Don't make the common mistake of thinking that when the initial wild passion fades you aren't in love anymore. The answer is not to start a new relationship so you can recapture that emotional high with someone else. The answer is to learn how to move on to the next stages of love for a different but richer experience. 請不要犯一種普遍的錯誤，認為如果剛開始那種熾熱瘋狂的感覺消失了，你就不 再是在談戀愛了，解決方法也絕不是去和另一人展開另一段關係以重新找回那種 激情。解決方法是，學著把這段戀情推進到下一個階段，然後體驗那裡面的不同， 以及豐富。 MYTH #3: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES GREAT PROBLEM-SOLVING 迷思3：一段美好的關係必須將關係裡的問題全數解決 Don't fall into the trap of believing that you and your partner can't be happy if you can't resolve your serious disagreements. Ninety percent of problems in a relationship are not solvable. 不要陷入一種陷阱，認為要是你跟你的伴侶不能解決你們之間嚴重的分歧，你們 就會過得不快樂。一段關係裡有90趴的問題根本不能解決。 There are things that you and your partner disagree about and will continue to disagree about. Why can't you once and for all resolve these issues? Because in order to do so, one of you would have to sacrifice your values and beliefs. 在一段關係裡，有些事情一定是你和你的伴侶一開始就意見紛歧，以後也會 繼續意見紛歧下去。為什麼你們就是不能把這些問題永遠解決？因為為了要 解決這類問題，勢必代表你們兩個其中一人需要犧牲他/她的價值觀和認知。 You can simply agree to disagree and reach "emotional closure" even though you haven't reached closure on the issue. 你們可以乾脆就認同你們彼此之間有分歧，就算你們對這問題討論還沒結束， 至少可以在「情緒上」停戰。 MYTH #4: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES COMMON INTERESTS THAT BOND YOU TOGETHER FOREVER 迷思4：一段美好的關係裡兩人必須有共同興趣，才能把兩個人綁在一起 （這個最有趣了XD） There is nothing wrong with your relationship if you don't share common interests and activities. 要是你們兩個之間根本沒有共同興趣跟可以一起分享的活動，那不代表你們 關係有問題。 If you and your partner are forcing yourselves to engage in common activities but the results are stress, tension and conflict, don't do it! 如果你和你的伴侶試著強迫自己參與對方的活動，結果發現痛苦得要死，拜託 別做！ MYTH #5: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP IS A PEACEFUL ONE 迷思5：一段美好的關係一定很和平 （這個也很棒） Don't be afraid to argue because you think it's a sign of weakness or relationship breakdown. Even the healthiest couples argue. 別因為覺得吵架代表你們關係有缺陷或者會讓關係崩潰就不敢吵架。就算是 感情最好的情侶也會吵架。 If approached properly, arguing can actually help the relationship by (a) releasing tension and (b) instilling the sense of peace and trust that comes from knowing you can release feelings without being abandoned or humiliated. 如果吵架吵得適當，實際上吵架可以讓1.兩人之間的緊張感獲得釋放；2.逐漸 讓和平和信任的感覺重回你們的關係當中，這種感覺來自於彼此知道可以釋放 自己的感覺而不會被拋棄或羞辱。 Instead of worrying about how many times you argue, worry about how you argue. Here are some guidelines: 與其擔心你們到底吵了幾次架，不如仔細想一下你們怎麼吵。以下有些指示供 參考： Don't abandon the issue and attack the worth of your partner during an argument. 當有爭執時，不要說你不想談，然後批評你伴侶的價值。 Don't seek conflict because it's stimulating. 不要一直找衝突點，因為那會讓人反應激烈。 Don't pursue a take-no-prisoners approach in your arguments. 爭執時不要太激進，讓人覺得有攻擊性。 Don't avoid achieving emotional closure at the end of an argument. 吵架接近結束時，別忘了安撫對方情緒，達到情緒上的停戰。 MYTH #6: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP LETS YOU VENT ALL YOUR FEELINGS 迷思6：一段美好的關係能讓你宣洩所有的情緒 Getting things off your chest might feel good, but when you blurt something out in the heat of the moment, you risk damaging your relationship permanently. Many relationships are destroyed when one partner can't forgive something that was said during uncensored venting. 把心裡的不爽一次倒出來可能讓你很爽快，不過萬一當你在緊要關頭時把情緒 整個爆發出來，你可能會冒個風險，你們之間的關係可能受到永久性損傷。很 多段關係之所以被摧毀，就是因為其中一人永遠無法原諒對方在某次沒經過設 想就說出口的話。 Before you say something you might regret, bite your tongue and give yourself a moment to consider how you really feel. The things we say while we're letting loose often don't represent how we really feel and shouldn't be communicated — especially if they are potentially destructive. 在你可能會說出讓自己會後悔的話之前，請先咬住你的舌頭，停一下，想想你 真實的想法是什麼。很多時候我們脫口說出的話並不真代表我們心中所想，也 不是可以溝通的--尤其當這些話具有潛在的毀滅性。 MYTH #7: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX 迷思7：一段美好的關係絕對和性無關 （科科...） The belief that sex is not important is a dangerous and intimacy-eroding myth. Sex provides an important time-out from the pressures of our daily lives and allows us to experience a quality level of closeness, vulnerability and sharing with our partners. 相信性一點都不重要是一個既危險又會損害兩人親密的迷思。性提供了 一種在每日生活壓力之下的放鬆，並讓我們可以和伴侶經歷一種更進一 層的親近、脆弱、和分享的感覺。 Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the "importance scale" if it's a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the "importance scale." 性可能不能代表一切，但萬一它讓你們關係受挫，那麼性在一段關係的「 重要等級」裡，絕對要緊。如果你們之間的性生活不協調，性就變成一件天 大的大事。另一方面，要是兩人之間性生活美滿，性在「重要等級」裡就沒 那麼至關緊要了。 Don't restrict your thinking by considering sex to be something that only consists of the actual physical act. Touching, caressing, holding hands and any means by which you provide physical comfort to your partner can all be viewed as part of a fulfilling sex life. 別把你的想法限制在認為性只是最後性交的動作。碰觸、撫抱、牽手和任何 用來讓你能使伴侶生理感到舒服愉悅的都是美好性生活的一部份。 MYTH #8: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP CANNOT SURVIVE A FLAWED PARTNER 迷思8：伴侶有缺陷，關係就不美好 Nobody's perfect. As long as your partner's quirks are non-abusive and non-destructive, you can learn to live with them. 沒有人是完美的。只要你伴侶的怪癖不會虐待你或摧毀你，你可以學著怎麼跟 那些怪癖共存。 Instead of focusing on your partner's shortcomings, remember the qualities that attracted you in the first place. Perhaps some of these idiosyncrasies were part of the attraction? Just because a behavior isn't mainstream, doesn't mean that it's toxic to the relationship. 與其一直注意你伴侶的缺點，不如記住當初你伴侶吸引你的地方。搞不好這些 怪癖也是他吸引力的一部份？別只因為這行為跟別人不一樣，就覺得這行為會 毒害你們的關係。 Be careful to distinguish the difference between a partner with quirks and one with a serious problem. Serious problems that are destructive and abusive include substance abuse and mental/physical abuse. Unlike idiosyncrasies, these are not behaviors you should learn to live with. 不過請小心區分是怪癖還是重大的問題。嚴重且具虐待和摧毀性的問題包括物質 及精神上的虐待。不像怪癖，這類問題可不是你該學著包容的。 MYTH #9: THERE IS A RIGHT WAY AND A WRONG WAY TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP GREAT 迷思9：建立一段美好的關係有分正確的方法跟錯誤的方法 Nothing could be further from the truth. There is no definitive "right way" to be a good spouse, good parent, or to handle any relationship challenge that life throws you. 大錯特錯。沒有所謂確切的「正確方法」讓你可以當一個好伴侶、好父母， 或處理在一段關係中你的生命賦予你的挑戰。 Do what works for you rather than following some standards you might have read in a book or heard from a well-meaning friend. If what you and your partner are doing is generating the results you want, stick with it. If both of you are comfortable with the principles that work , you can write your own rules. 對你們之間有效的就去做，而不是聽從你們從某本書上或某個很好心的朋友 的建言。如果某個你和你伴侶在做的事情，能產生你想要的結果，就持續做 。如果你們兩人都覺得這些原則對你們的關係有效，而且兩人都覺得舒服， 你們可以自己訂定屬於你們的規則。 Remember not to be rigid about the way in which you accept your partner's expressions of love. There is no "right way" for someone to love you. The fact that your partner expresses feelings differently doesn't make those feelings less genuine or of less value. 請記得別固執在要你的伴侶用你能接受的方式表達愛意。並沒有愛你的「正確 方法」。事實是，當你伴侶用不同於你的方式表達情感，不代表那些情感就比 較不真誠或比較不具價值。 MYTH #10: YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN BECOME GREAT ONLY WHEN YOU STRAIGHTEN YOUR PARTNER OUT 迷思10：只有在讓對方能為你改變時一段關係才會美好 Don't fall into the trap of believing that if you could change your partner, your relationship would be better. You are, at the very least, jointly accountable for the relationship. 別掉入一種陷阱，認為改變你的伴侶就能讓關係更好。至少，你在這段關係 裡也是有連帶責任。 Let go of the childlike notion that falling in love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness. 拋棄掉那個幼稚的想法，認為談戀愛就是找一個對你的快樂有責任的人。你 才是那個對你的快樂有責任的人。 If your relationship is distressed, the most important person for you to change might be yourself. Once you identify the payoffs you are subconsciously seeking with destructive behavior, you can choose to remove them from your life. 如果你的這段關係讓你沮喪，最需要改變的人可能是你自己。一旦你發現這代價 讓你潛意識裡做出毀滅性的行為，你可以選擇把那些代價趕出你的生命。 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 呼...打完了。 這十個迷思有些我覺得很有趣， 用一種迥於以往傳統對愛情的思考方式重新讓人審視愛情， 也許不需要盡信， 因為我相信成熟的人自有自己的尺度， 但這十點說真的我都很喜歡，也想努力朝這方向作， 不光是感情，我想人際也是一樣可以適用的。 簡單的說就是， know yourself, love yourself. --

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