喔～难得发个分享文， 今天想来推荐一个网站， Dr. Phil：http://www.drphil.com/。 这是美国一个类似谈话性质的节目， 内容包罗万象， 在这之间把Dr. Phil的一些意见和节目内容整理集合， 做成的一个网站。 光看advice的部分就发现主题几乎涵盖了人生会面对的课题， 健康、生活、金钱、情爱关系、自我认知、还有减肥！！ 不过是美国节目，内容当然都是英文的... 今天无聊乱晃时，我则看到了这篇文章，挺有趣的， 以下不负责任翻译给大家看。 ----------------------------不负责任翻译分隔线--------------------------- (原文网址：http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/26) Ten Relationship Myths 情爱关系里的十大迷思 Think your relationship is a failure because you and your partner aren't following certain "rules" or meeting certain standards? Dr. Phil blows the whistle on 10 of the most common but dangerous relationship myths. 你觉得和伴侣之间似乎因为没有遵照某些「规则」或达到某些标准，所以觉得 这是一段失败的关系吗？Dr. Phil告诉你在一段关系里十个最常见也是最危险 的迷思。 MYTH #1: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP DEPENDS ON A GREAT MEETING OF THE MINDS 迷思1：一段美好的关系来自於两人想法完美一致 You will never see things through your partner's eyes because you are two entirely different people. You are genetically, physiologically, psychologically and historically different. 你绝不可能光从你伴侣的眼睛里就看得出他/她在想些什麽，因为你们是两个完全 不同的个体，不论在你们的基因组成上、生理上、心理上和历史上，你们都是两个 不一样的人。 You will not solve your relationship problems by becoming more alike in your thinking. Men and women are wired differently. Attempting to blur your fundamentally different viewpoints is unnatural and even dangerous. 所以你不可能藉由让两人想法一致解决你们之间的问题。男人和女人对事紧张的态 度不同，所以若想把两人之间根本完全不同的观点模糊化，那是不自然甚至是危险的。 Recognize that a relationship is far more enjoyable when you're with someone who enriches your life, not simply reflects it. Appreciate your differences. 你要认知到，当你和某个不光只是反映你活着，而是能够丰富你生命的人在一起时， 那一段关系会是非常令人愉悦的。所以要欣赏你们之间的不同。 MYTH #2: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES A GREAT ROMANCE 迷思2：一段美好的关系一定要浪漫 Yes, your life with your partner should include plenty of romance. But don't kid yourself and expect an unrealistic Hollywood fairytale. The truth is that in the real world, being in love is not like falling in love. 是滴，你和你的伴侣之间的相处应该要非常浪漫。但是别骗自己了，别期待自己 在谈一场好莱坞电影里那种梦幻般的童话故事。事实上是这样的，在真实世界里， 相爱容易相处难。 Falling in love is only the first stage of love. It's impossible to remain in that stage. A mature relationship will shift from dizzying infatuation to a deeper, more secure love. 陷入热恋只是恋情里的第一阶段，而且不可能一直维持在这个阶段。一段成熟的情爱 关系可以把开始时的昏头迷恋转变成另一种更深刻、更实在的爱恋。 Don't make the common mistake of thinking that when the initial wild passion fades you aren't in love anymore. The answer is not to start a new relationship so you can recapture that emotional high with someone else. The answer is to learn how to move on to the next stages of love for a different but richer experience. 请不要犯一种普遍的错误，认为如果刚开始那种炽热疯狂的感觉消失了，你就不 再是在谈恋爱了，解决方法也绝不是去和另一人展开另一段关系以重新找回那种 激情。解决方法是，学着把这段恋情推进到下一个阶段，然後体验那里面的不同， 以及丰富。 MYTH #3: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES GREAT PROBLEM-SOLVING 迷思3：一段美好的关系必须将关系里的问题全数解决 Don't fall into the trap of believing that you and your partner can't be happy if you can't resolve your serious disagreements. Ninety percent of problems in a relationship are not solvable. 不要陷入一种陷阱，认为要是你跟你的伴侣不能解决你们之间严重的分歧，你们 就会过得不快乐。一段关系里有90趴的问题根本不能解决。 There are things that you and your partner disagree about and will continue to disagree about. Why can't you once and for all resolve these issues? Because in order to do so, one of you would have to sacrifice your values and beliefs. 在一段关系里，有些事情一定是你和你的伴侣一开始就意见纷歧，以後也会 继续意见纷歧下去。为什麽你们就是不能把这些问题永远解决？因为为了要 解决这类问题，势必代表你们两个其中一人需要牺牲他/她的价值观和认知。 You can simply agree to disagree and reach "emotional closure" even though you haven't reached closure on the issue. 你们可以乾脆就认同你们彼此之间有分歧，就算你们对这问题讨论还没结束， 至少可以在「情绪上」停战。 MYTH #4: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES COMMON INTERESTS THAT BOND YOU TOGETHER FOREVER 迷思4：一段美好的关系里两人必须有共同兴趣，才能把两个人绑在一起 （这个最有趣了XD） There is nothing wrong with your relationship if you don't share common interests and activities. 要是你们两个之间根本没有共同兴趣跟可以一起分享的活动，那不代表你们 关系有问题。 If you and your partner are forcing yourselves to engage in common activities but the results are stress, tension and conflict, don't do it! 如果你和你的伴侣试着强迫自己参与对方的活动，结果发现痛苦得要死，拜托 别做！ MYTH #5: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP IS A PEACEFUL ONE 迷思5：一段美好的关系一定很和平 （这个也很棒） Don't be afraid to argue because you think it's a sign of weakness or relationship breakdown. Even the healthiest couples argue. 别因为觉得吵架代表你们关系有缺陷或者会让关系崩溃就不敢吵架。就算是 感情最好的情侣也会吵架。 If approached properly, arguing can actually help the relationship by (a) releasing tension and (b) instilling the sense of peace and trust that comes from knowing you can release feelings without being abandoned or humiliated. 如果吵架吵得适当，实际上吵架可以让1.两人之间的紧张感获得释放；2.逐渐 让和平和信任的感觉重回你们的关系当中，这种感觉来自於彼此知道可以释放 自己的感觉而不会被抛弃或羞辱。 Instead of worrying about how many times you argue, worry about how you argue. Here are some guidelines: 与其担心你们到底吵了几次架，不如仔细想一下你们怎麽吵。以下有些指示供 参考： Don't abandon the issue and attack the worth of your partner during an argument. 当有争执时，不要说你不想谈，然後批评你伴侣的价值。 Don't seek conflict because it's stimulating. 不要一直找冲突点，因为那会让人反应激烈。 Don't pursue a take-no-prisoners approach in your arguments. 争执时不要太激进，让人觉得有攻击性。 Don't avoid achieving emotional closure at the end of an argument. 吵架接近结束时，别忘了安抚对方情绪，达到情绪上的停战。 MYTH #6: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP LETS YOU VENT ALL YOUR FEELINGS 迷思6：一段美好的关系能让你宣泄所有的情绪 Getting things off your chest might feel good, but when you blurt something out in the heat of the moment, you risk damaging your relationship permanently. Many relationships are destroyed when one partner can't forgive something that was said during uncensored venting. 把心里的不爽一次倒出来可能让你很爽快，不过万一当你在紧要关头时把情绪 整个爆发出来，你可能会冒个风险，你们之间的关系可能受到永久性损伤。很 多段关系之所以被摧毁，就是因为其中一人永远无法原谅对方在某次没经过设 想就说出口的话。 Before you say something you might regret, bite your tongue and give yourself a moment to consider how you really feel. The things we say while we're letting loose often don't represent how we really feel and shouldn't be communicated — especially if they are potentially destructive. 在你可能会说出让自己会後悔的话之前，请先咬住你的舌头，停一下，想想你 真实的想法是什麽。很多时候我们脱口说出的话并不真代表我们心中所想，也 不是可以沟通的--尤其当这些话具有潜在的毁灭性。 MYTH #7: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX 迷思7：一段美好的关系绝对和性无关 （科科...） The belief that sex is not important is a dangerous and intimacy-eroding myth. Sex provides an important time-out from the pressures of our daily lives and allows us to experience a quality level of closeness, vulnerability and sharing with our partners. 相信性一点都不重要是一个既危险又会损害两人亲密的迷思。性提供了 一种在每日生活压力之下的放松，并让我们可以和伴侣经历一种更进一 层的亲近、脆弱、和分享的感觉。 Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the "importance scale" if it's a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the "importance scale." 性可能不能代表一切，但万一它让你们关系受挫，那麽性在一段关系的「 重要等级」里，绝对要紧。如果你们之间的性生活不协调，性就变成一件天 大的大事。另一方面，要是两人之间性生活美满，性在「重要等级」里就没 那麽至关紧要了。 Don't restrict your thinking by considering sex to be something that only consists of the actual physical act. Touching, caressing, holding hands and any means by which you provide physical comfort to your partner can all be viewed as part of a fulfilling sex life. 别把你的想法限制在认为性只是最後性交的动作。碰触、抚抱、牵手和任何 用来让你能使伴侣生理感到舒服愉悦的都是美好性生活的一部份。 MYTH #8: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP CANNOT SURVIVE A FLAWED PARTNER 迷思8：伴侣有缺陷，关系就不美好 Nobody's perfect. As long as your partner's quirks are non-abusive and non-destructive, you can learn to live with them. 没有人是完美的。只要你伴侣的怪癖不会虐待你或摧毁你，你可以学着怎麽跟 那些怪癖共存。 Instead of focusing on your partner's shortcomings, remember the qualities that attracted you in the first place. Perhaps some of these idiosyncrasies were part of the attraction? Just because a behavior isn't mainstream, doesn't mean that it's toxic to the relationship. 与其一直注意你伴侣的缺点，不如记住当初你伴侣吸引你的地方。搞不好这些 怪癖也是他吸引力的一部份？别只因为这行为跟别人不一样，就觉得这行为会 毒害你们的关系。 Be careful to distinguish the difference between a partner with quirks and one with a serious problem. Serious problems that are destructive and abusive include substance abuse and mental/physical abuse. Unlike idiosyncrasies, these are not behaviors you should learn to live with. 不过请小心区分是怪癖还是重大的问题。严重且具虐待和摧毁性的问题包括物质 及精神上的虐待。不像怪癖，这类问题可不是你该学着包容的。 MYTH #9: THERE IS A RIGHT WAY AND A WRONG WAY TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP GREAT 迷思9：建立一段美好的关系有分正确的方法跟错误的方法 Nothing could be further from the truth. There is no definitive "right way" to be a good spouse, good parent, or to handle any relationship challenge that life throws you. 大错特错。没有所谓确切的「正确方法」让你可以当一个好伴侣、好父母， 或处理在一段关系中你的生命赋予你的挑战。 Do what works for you rather than following some standards you might have read in a book or heard from a well-meaning friend. If what you and your partner are doing is generating the results you want, stick with it. If both of you are comfortable with the principles that work , you can write your own rules. 对你们之间有效的就去做，而不是听从你们从某本书上或某个很好心的朋友 的建言。如果某个你和你伴侣在做的事情，能产生你想要的结果，就持续做 。如果你们两人都觉得这些原则对你们的关系有效，而且两人都觉得舒服， 你们可以自己订定属於你们的规则。 Remember not to be rigid about the way in which you accept your partner's expressions of love. There is no "right way" for someone to love you. The fact that your partner expresses feelings differently doesn't make those feelings less genuine or of less value. 请记得别固执在要你的伴侣用你能接受的方式表达爱意。并没有爱你的「正确 方法」。事实是，当你伴侣用不同於你的方式表达情感，不代表那些情感就比 较不真诚或比较不具价值。 MYTH #10: YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN BECOME GREAT ONLY WHEN YOU STRAIGHTEN YOUR PARTNER OUT 迷思10：只有在让对方能为你改变时一段关系才会美好 Don't fall into the trap of believing that if you could change your partner, your relationship would be better. You are, at the very least, jointly accountable for the relationship. 别掉入一种陷阱，认为改变你的伴侣就能让关系更好。至少，你在这段关系 里也是有连带责任。 Let go of the childlike notion that falling in love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness. 抛弃掉那个幼稚的想法，认为谈恋爱就是找一个对你的快乐有责任的人。你 才是那个对你的快乐有责任的人。 If your relationship is distressed, the most important person for you to change might be yourself. Once you identify the payoffs you are subconsciously seeking with destructive behavior, you can choose to remove them from your life. 如果你的这段关系让你沮丧，最需要改变的人可能是你自己。一旦你发现这代价 让你潜意识里做出毁灭性的行为，你可以选择把那些代价赶出你的生命。 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 呼...打完了。 这十个迷思有些我觉得很有趣， 用一种迥於以往传统对爱情的思考方式重新让人审视爱情， 也许不需要尽信， 因为我相信成熟的人自有自己的尺度， 但这十点说真的我都很喜欢，也想努力朝这方向作， 不光是感情，我想人际也是一样可以适用的。 简单的说就是， know yourself, love yourself. --

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