謝謝您的指導，果然熱騰騰的東西拿上來是會被笑的。 我在對於為什麼選這些系的地方著墨不夠深，可能一部份是我自己也沒有想好。 其實我不知道篇幅該多大，所以省略的很多東西，造成許多誤解抱歉。 1.我父母對我的影響是真的很大，但想進建中也一部份是我自己在親身經歷後的決定。 2.Bachelor of Medicine and Bachelor of Surgery 是選系中的同一類 3.後面提到父母其實只是想表達我是個獨立又不讓父母擔心的小孩，但若真的不妥，我會刪 4.要怎麼樣寫的比較沒那麼"匠氣"？從沒學過寫作，請問有任何建議嗎？ 另外，建中學生是不會到網路上找字句來拼湊自己的自傳，至少我不會。 唉一部分可能也是大家學的英文都一樣吧！ 再次謝謝您的指導。 ※ 引述《hoch (Sanctuary)》之銘言： : 建中學生看得出來花很多功夫寫出來這樣洋洋灑灑的一篇。不過我覺得前面 : 幾段很匠氣，也就是說，語句感覺很像是範本或是網路拼湊起來的。希望是 : 我的偏見。 : : Not until I was in year 11th did I hear about Hong Kong University from my : "grade 11"？ : : mom. By the time, I was only a high school student looking forward to : : entering National Taiwan University, but all was different. The more : : information about HKU I received, the stronger my determination to enter the : : university was established. The culture HKU keeps is exactly the one I’m : : dreaming of. And the most important and decisive reason is that: “I want to : : go out.” I want to stay away from my comfort zone, Taiwan. Meeting new : : people, adjusting to a new environment and facing any difficulties I’ve : adapting : : never coped with before have never been an obstacle to my pursuing of dreams. : : And that’s my philosophy, that’s who I am. : : Being a student in the top high school in Taiwan, I was not actually born in : : Taipei. When I was in junior high school, my father kept telling me about : 老實說這一句很做作。你就老實說你是建中就好了。老外都碼這樣做的。不必拐彎抹角。 : I am a grade 11 student of CK Senior High School, the most prestigious : high school in Taiwan. : : the advantages I could get if I attend Jiaguo High School such as resources : : and competitiveness. Therefore, I set up my mind. : 一樣是我個人意見：這兩句也很礙眼。尤其是你進建中的 motivation 竟然是你老爸 : 叫你進你就進。 : : Three years ago, I walked into the school. Three years later, I can’t : : believe I’m leaving. What I’ve learned were beyond my expectations: : : dependence, cooperation and leadership. : "dependence" 在這不知是指啥？ : : Clubs are the most important part for a high school student in Taipei. They : 課外活動的話，用 extracurricular activities 比較好。"most important" 改成 : "an important part ..." 比較合乎實際。 : : are not only a place to relax from whole day schooling, but a place to learn. : : Faced with the variety of clubs in CK (what we really call our school), I : Given the wide variety of student clubs offered by our school (actually I : believe CK High School provides the greatest student clubs in terms of the : number, variety and depth among all Taiwanese high schools), I ... : : chose Biology Club eventually. In the second year, I became the microbiology : : and immunology teacher and the executive of activities planning. Winter camp : : is the most important activity in the club, we hosted a six-day camp for the : The winter camp was the most important activity, : where we as the senior students were responsible for : organizing a six-day camp dedicated for our freshman classmantes. : : freshman, and I was elected as the director. Being the director meant entire : : responsibility, and you were not the only one who was working on it. : 其實我看不太懂何謂 "you were not the only .... on it". : : Cooperation and communication are the indispensable abilities for not only : : the members but the very leader. And I always told everyone to “argue”, : : because only through argue can one learn others opinions and then blend them : : with his together. When “argue” developed into “fight”, that’s the time : : my work should be done. Though filled with difficulties, the winter camp : : ended up successful. Take a bow, my job was done. : : In the last year, I was selected as the biology school team through a series : : of tests. Later I won the second place of the “Taipei High School Science : : and Information Ability Contest”, and about to join the “Taiwan High School : : Science and Information Ability Contest” in January, 2012. Through all the : : training and contests, I developed a further ability in conducting biology : : experiments and a way of “thinking deeper”. : 這後面幾段的語氣，和前面剛開頭的部分很不搭。 : The training and skills that I've received through the contests allow : me to develop the qualities required to be a good scientist, such as : persistent curiosity, problem solving and team working abilities. : : As a foreign student, I left my home in Taoyuan and shared a dormitory with : 這樣不算 "foreigh student"，我覺得。 : : my club mate in the second year. From then on, I had to take care of all : : kinds of house chores like doing the laundry, cleaning the room, and even : : taking out the trash. However, I figured out that when no one is near, you : : are really on your own. : : Despite club activities and school team training, I still managed to keep my : : grades in the first three places in the class, and that was why my parents : : never worried about my school work. : Again, 我不認為一直提到父母有任何加分的效果。 : : As for the curriculums I choose are Bachelor of Medicine and Bachelor of : : Surgery, Bachelor of Business Administration. I know I chose the completely : : different two curriculums. I chose Medicine because of my interest in : 看起來你選了三個。不了解為何說 "two curriculums". : I am interested in the Bachelor of Medicine, Bachelor of Surgery, and Bachelor : of Business Administration programs. : : Biology. I chose Business because I believe in my leadership. I don’t care : : whether I am becoming a doctor or a company’s CEO in the future. No one : "I don't care ... " 這一句感覺立論很弱。 : : knows what my life will look in the future, nor do I. However, there is one : : thing I’m completely sure: HKU is the best university I want to enter, and I : : think I am meant to be there. --

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