[Scene: The Hallway, Joey has a tray full of keys, and is trying each one in the lock.] Joey: Nope, not that one. Monica: Can you go any faster with that? Joey: Hey, I got one keyhole and about a zillion keys. You do the math. Monica: Why do you guys have so many keys in there anyway? Chandler: (sarcastic) For an emergency just like this. Rachel: (grabs Chandler by the shirt) All right, listen, smirky. If it wasn't for you and your stupid balloon, I would be on a plane watching a woman do this (makes a gesture like a stewardess pointing out exits) right now. But I'm not. Monica: I swear you said you had the keys. Rachel: No, I didn't. I wouldn't say I had the keys unless I had the keys, and I obviously didn't have the keys. Phoebe: Ooh, ok, that's it. Enough with the keys. No one say keys. (Short pause.) Monica: Why would I have the keys? Rachel: Aside from the fact that you said you had them? Monica: But I didn't. Rachel: Well, you should have. Monica: Why? Rachel: Because! Monica: Why? Rachel: Because! Monica: Why? Because everything is my responsibility? Isn't it enough that I'm making Thanksgiving dinner for everyone? You know, everyone wants a different kind of potatoes, so I'm making different kinds of potatoes. Does anybody care what kind of potatoes I want? Nooooo, no, no! (starting to cry) Just as long as Phoebe gets her peas and onions, and Mario gets his tots, and it's my first Thanksgiving, and it's all burned, and, and I... I... Chandler: Ok, Monica, only dogs can hear you now, so, look, the door's open.Here we go. (They walk in. Smoke fills the apartment.) Monica: Well, the turkey's burnt. (checking pots) Potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined. (Ross enters, singing.) Ross: Here we come, walkin' down the—this doesn't smell like Mom's. Monica: No, it doesn't, does it? But you wanted lumps, Ross? (picks up the pan of badly burnt potatoes) Well, here you go, buddy, ya got one. Rachel: Oh, god, this is great! The plane is gone, so it looks like I'm stuck here with you guys. Joey: Hey, we all had better plans. This was nobody's first choice. Monica: Oh, really? So why was I busting my ass to make this delicious Thanksgiving dinner? Joey: You call that delicious? (all shouting) Monica: Stop it, stop it, stop it! Chandler: Now this feels like Thanksgiving. [Time lapse. Everyone is upset with each other. Phoebe is at the window.] Phoebe: Ooh. Rachel: What? Phoebe: Ugly Naked Guy's taking his turkey out of the oven. Oh my god. He's not alone. Ugly Naked Guy's having Thanksgiving dinner with Ugly Naked Gal. (They all run to the window.) Joey: I've gotta see this. All right Ugly Naked Guy! Monica: Ooh, Ugly Naked Dancing! Phoebe: It's nice that he has someone. [Time lapse. The gang is around the table, eating grilled cheese sandwiches.] Chandler: Shall I carve? Rachel: By all means. Chandler: Ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese? Ross: I don't even wanna know about the dark cheese. Monica: (holding sandwich) Does anybody wanna split this with me? Joey: Oh, I will. Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish. Monica: Make a wish? Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving. Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish for? Joey: The bigger half. Chandler: I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here, ding ding. I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked. All: That's so sweet. Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas. Rachel: And a crappy New Year. Chandler: Here, here! Closing Credits [Scene: The Subway, Joey sees his poster and he peels off the caption on his poster, revealing more posters underneath. The captions read, as follows: Bladder Control Problem Stop Wife Beating Hemorrhoids? Winner of 3 Tony Awards... He's finally happy with that and walks away.] End --

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