各位同学好，我是实力养成班/ J2TOEFL机经顾问J2(Jacob). 看此篇文章前，建议先看前一篇「你的写作发展方向是对的吗？by J2」 喔！ https://reurl.cc/4Rzkrj 如果看过了上篇文章，应该对於该如何发展例子、应该着墨的地方比较有方 向，那就拿同学的文章来测试一下如何让例子发展更贴切！ A同学文章的例子题目是 Nowadays children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smartphones, video games, for fun and entertainment. Playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children's development. 其中第二段： Secondly, playing outside with friends can help children stay healthy easily. For example, doctors say that people need to exercise 30 minutes per day, which is good for your health. Thus, if children can play outside with friends, which can help them enhance immunity. In contrast, if children play video games at home, they can’t enhance anything for their body. Moreover, children’s eye will get hurt easily by looking the computer screen for long time. 写到医生说每天运动三十分钟对身体有益，下一句写说如果小孩子在外面跟 朋友玩的话，就能增强免疫力。其实大概知道同学要表达什麽，但上下句连 结不强，有点可惜。可以再加一句话就能跟前面的「医生说每天运动三十分 钟对身体有益」这件事连结起来。 可以这麽写：Thus, if children can play outside with friends, they can easily reach the 30-minute-exercise-per-day requirement as doctors suggest, which can help them strengthen immunity. 反例其实也可以再更扣回「上面提到的例子」会更好。同学原本只有写到： In contrast, if children play video games at home, they can’t enhance anything for their body. 想办法多扣回上面已经提到的「每天 运动三十分钟」这件事。所以可以这麽写：相反的，如果都在家打电动，那 就几乎都坐着根本没有运动到，也就没有办法达到每天运动三十分钟的基本 量，免疫力可能就会下降，长期下来就会容易生病。 In contrast, if children only play videos at home, they’ll probably spend whole day sitting on the couch and do not have the chance to do exercise at least 30 minutes per day. In the long run, their immune system may weaken and they will get sick easily. 作文要进步没有二法，就是多写多练习，但切记不能自己埋头苦写，要找人 帮你看过找出你的盲点。找不到战友帮你看吗？没关系，欢迎来每周二下午 的陪你读时间，我跟Vivian顾问可以帮你找出问题点，以及帮你安排读书计 画！ ＊＊实力养成班顾问陪你读＊＊ 时间：每星期二 13:00-17:00 地点：SK2 TOEFL 13楼中央教室 台北市信义路四段六号，捷运大安站共构大楼13楼之7 进行方式：不需报名，於时间内直接前来即可(入场需签到) 可以来询问任何听说读写、读书计画等问题喔！ --

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