Here I would focus on Argument basically the overall organization is ok. the problems still lie in the sentences that are too long and too complex. I will point out some. : TOPIC: ARGUMENT219 - The following appeared in a memorandum from a vice : president of the Megamart department store chain. : "For the third year in a row, the average household income in our country has : risen significantly. That prosperity means that families are likely to be : spending more time and money on leisure activities. Megamart stores should : therefore concentrate on enlarging and promoting its line of products : typically used in leisure activities: athletic and outdoor equipment, : televisions, gourmet cooking equipment, and luggage and travel accessories." : The memorandum suggest that Megamart department should enlarge and promote : its line of products which are used in leisure activities, however, the ; or . : suggestion is based on unpersuasive inference since the reasons are : fallacious to bolster the ideas the vice president broached. the wording of this clause after "since" is a little bit odd. you might want to change the words. also, it would be better to have a sentence that gives readers some clues about what will be followed. : The claim says that average household income in the country has risen : significantly, whereas, the sample is based on country and average here whereas is not appropriate : perspectives, the patrons of Megamart department could be the people who only : earn low income, thus, the inference of the claim would not be convincing to . : assure readers that people in the area of Megamart department are wealthy to : consume more products in Megamart department. : In addition, if these people have earned high income, people may not spend : their money or time, reversely, people may save the income they earned, 1. you mentioned that these pople might not spend money or time, but why? 2. reversely is not appropriate here, and a period should be applied here too. : furthermore, even people are willing to consume, they may not prefer any : products of leisure activities, even they may move out the area into better : community, besides, in spite of the above assumptions were true, people may . : not consume in Megamart department but patronize the opponents’ stores, . : thus, consumption on Megamart department would not increase. Thereby, : Megamart department should not concentrate on enlarging and promoting its : line of products used in leisure activities. : In conclusion, only when the suggestion provide persuasive evidences to prove : the claim and exclude alternative explanations, the suggestion should not be : adopted to increase the revenue of Megamart department. --

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