有点无关　但是来个对照组 Doug Mirabelli's Day 9:00 Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed. 9:01 Lets out a blistering fart and takes 90 second piss on his hands, farts 5 more times. 9:03 Drinks three raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge. 9:05 Take out leftovers from the Kowloon Pupu Platter for three he picked up last night. 9:15 Grunts at his wife and gives his kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone. 9:17 Takes a dump. 9:22 Sings Van Halen in the shower. 9:25 Shaves and leaves his goatee. 9:30 Takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror, screams out loud "Dougie is going deep tonight!" 9:45 Puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tank-top and gets ready to leave. 9:50 Grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he'll see them tomorrow. 9:57 Pulls onto Route 1 with Led Zeppelin blaring, cuts three people off, gives the finger to all three people. 10:15 Pulls into Fenway Park, tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Nomar in. 10:16 Puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his family's life if there is one scratch on his truck. 10:22 Walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a homo for the first time today and 350th time this month, asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend Lou Merloni. 10:27 Takes another dump, leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by. 10:30 Gives Nomar a dead leg and calls him a homo. 10:33 Stuffs Derek Lowe in a locker and pisses on him. 10:37 Goes through a 10 minute hand shake with his boy Tim Wakefield. 10:45 Takes Pokey's headphones off and steps on them, says until he is hitting .250, no music. 10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says "Is Dougie DHing the first game?" 10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling. 10:55 Dougie tells Trot if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this: .375 average, 72 HRs, 52 Doubles, 9 Singles, 6 Walks, 220 K'S. 11:17 Writes back response to fan's letter: "Hey P***y, I don't wear batting gloves because they are for p**sies like your boyfriend Nomar." 11:30 Walks out to batting practice with a tank-top on. 11:45 After no stretching steps into the cage, ignores the five bunts standard procedure. 11:47 Takes 25 cuts, hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8. 11:48 Calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Nomar for mixing in a curveball after Dougie hit one onto the pike. 11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie, calls him a pickle smoker. 12:00 Dougie's daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci's arrives. 12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar's locker. 12:15 Tito posts lineup, Dougie sees he is not the DH, calls Francona a p***y. Francona runs behind Schilling. 12:25 Dougie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror, announcing "Dougie is going deep tonight!" 12:45 Takes yet another dump, uses Nomar's $350 silk shirt to wipe his a**. 1:05 Game starts, Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind Schilling. 1:25 Dougie announces he is ready to pinch hit in the bottom of the first for Nomar. 1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in, Dougie tells him he sucks and will back at Portland (AA Eastern League) by 7 tonight. 1:55 Dougie's four Fenway Franks arrive, pays with Nomar's credit card. 2:15 Finishes shopping with Nomar’s credit card, maxed it out at Auto Zone. 2:30 Dozes off. 3:30 Sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells whole team they suck except for him and Wakefield. 3:33 Announces himself ready to pinch hit. 4:30 Sox lose game, Dougie tells Francona he should have DH'ed him, Francona runs away. 5:00 Dougie tells Nomar singles are for p**sies. 5:30 Dougie takes batting practice again, refuses to bunt. 5:33 Dougie hit 22 pitches over the wall: 11 fair, 11 foul, all pulled, he missed 15 pitches. 6:00 Dougie see’s name in lineup, calls Francona a p***y for batting him 8th. Francona hides behind Schilling. 6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup. 6:25 Announces that Dougie is going deep tonight. 6:30 Dinner arrives, two steaks from the Capital Grille. Dougie pours steak juice into Nomar's locker, makes Derek Lowe eat the fat. 6:35 Dougie gives D-Lowe an atomic wedgie. 7:00 Tells Wakefield to show some balls tonight and don't throw anything in the dirt. 7:10 Scoreless first. Dougie tells Francona it must be the catching. 7:25 Dougie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep. 7:27 Dougie screams at pitcher, tells him he is a p***y and he is taking him deep. 7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall, coasts into second. Almost gets thrown out. 7:31 Tells pitcher his fastball sucks. Tells shortstop and second baseman that he didn't get all of it. 8:15 Dougie ropes a rocket to third, third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Dougie. 8:16 Fans boo Dougie. 8:17 Dougie tells family of four to @#%$ off and steals some kid's hot dog on way to dugout. 8:18 Dougie is tired and is happy he hit into a double play, as he did not want to run the bases anymore. 9:10 Dougie strikes out on inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs. Calls pitcher/catcher/ump all p**sies. 9:30 9th inning. Dougie is exhausted. Walks out to the mound and calls Embree a p***y and tells him to just bring the heat. Dougie wants to get home. 9:50 Dougie showers and walks around the clubhouse naked. Tells the Globe's Dan Shaughnessy and Gordon Edes to bl*w him. 9:55 Dougie shaves and leaves a goatee. 10:00 Knocks Nomar off his exercise bike. Calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse. 10:10 Cuts off 4 Red Sox fans. Gives the bird to everyone near him. 10:25 Arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on Route 1. 10:45 Sits down at bar and digs into his pupu platter for three. 12:00 Stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn, goes for a dip in his above ground pool. 12:10 Leaves tighty whiteys on his neighbor’s windshield. 12:15 Walks into house naked and screams "who saw the bomb I hit tonight???" 12:30 Wakes up the whole neighborhood. 12:45 Takes 35 swings naked and orders porn. 12:55 Pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for the movie. 1:15 Dougie passes out on couch. --

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