121 The One With The Fake Monica –Part 4 [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara, a zookeeper.] Ross: Where exactly is your zoo? Dr. Baldhara: Well, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel? Ross: Yes. Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals? Ross: No-no, he's, he's very docile. Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered? Ross: Well I, I don't know. Why? Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects? Ross: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean... Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade? Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade? Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel. (Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel) Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego. Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing... Chandler: ...He's in. Ross: He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego! Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego's all well and good, but if you give him to me, I'll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is dusting. She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk.] Monica: Yo- hooo! Rachel: Where the hell've you been? Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party. Rachel: Are you drunk?! Monica: Noooo! (Comes closer and whispers) I'm lying. I am so drunk. Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you could've called, I have been up here, I've been worried... (Monica is drinking from the tap) Rachel: Monica? Monica! Monica: Water rules! Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work? Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today. Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna lose your job! This is not you! Monica: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much more than that. I'm- I'm Monana! (The phone rings and Rachel answers) Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it's for you, the credit card people. Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks. Rachel: What? Monica: They've arrested Monica. [Scene: New York City Department of Correction, Monica is visiting Fake Monica.] Monica: Hi. Fake Monica: Hey. Monica: How are you? Fake Monica: I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my colour. How-how did you know I was here? Monica: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using. Fake Monica: That I was not expecting. Monica: I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in. Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks. Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it wasn't for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden Theater! Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to sing 'Memo-'. Monica: I just can't believe you're in here. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who's gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus? Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus? Monica: Well, not... worried, just... wondering. Fake Monica: There's nothing to wonder about, Monica. You're gonna go back to being exactly who you were, because that's who you are. Monica: Not necessarily... Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybe it's the Amish thing. Monica: Um, I'm not actually Amish. Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that? [Scene: Tap Class, Monica is standing by the door.] Teacher: You by the door. In or out? Monica: In. (She joins in the dancing. She still flounders) Teacher: You in the back, you're getting it all wrong! Monica: Yeah, but at least I'm doing it! [Scene: The Airport, everyone but Monica is there to see off Marcel.] PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A. Phoebe: Okay. Good-bye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get on the plane. Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe. Phoebe: Oh! Chandler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn. Joey: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey. Ross: Just, just say what you feel. Joey: Marcel, I'm hungry. Ross: That was good. Rachel: (Brings Marcel a teddy bear) Marcel, this is for you. It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the plane. Ross: Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a moment, just me and him. All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. (They just stand there, then realise what he means and go to the other end of the room) Ross: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere. (He sits down and Marcel jumps down and sits beside him) Well buddy, this is it. There's just a coupla things I want to say. I'm really gonna miss you, and I'm never gonna forget about you. You've been more than just a pet to me, you've been more like a be- (Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg) Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him away. Just take him. (Marcel is put in a cage and taken away.) Closing Credits [Scene: A Theater, there is a casting session going on for a play.] Actor: (Very melodramatically, and very badly) Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might... touch thy cheek... Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you. Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage) Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio. Casting Director No. 2: Name? Joey: Holden McGroin. End --

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