118 The One With All The Poker -PART 01 (The whole gang is helping Rachel mail out resumes while whistling the theme from The Bridge on the River Kwai.) Ross: Uh, Rach, we're running low on resumes over here. Monica: Do you really want a job with Popular Mechanics? Chandler: Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for. Rachel: Hey, look, you guys, I'm going for anything here, OK? I cannot be a waitress anymore, I mean it. I'm sick of the lousy tips, I'm sick of being called 'Excuse me...' Ross: Rach, did you proofread these? Rachel: Uh... yeah, why? Ross: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills. Rachel: (upset) Oh my Goood! Oh, do you think it's on all of them? Joey: Oh no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are sitting at a table. Rachel is working. Monica and Phoebe enter.] Monica: Hey, guys. Chandler and Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hey... hi, ladies... uh, can I get you anything? (to Monica, quietly): Did you bring the mail? Monica: Lots of responses. Rachel: (to Monica): Really? (out loud): Sure, we have scones left! (to Monica): OK, read them to me. Phoebe: (reading): Dear Ms. Green, thank you for your inquiry, however... oh... (crumples up letter) Rachel: (out loud): We have apple cinnamon... Monica: (reading): OK... Dear Ms. Green... yeah... yeah... yeah... No. (crumpes up letter) Phoebe: Wow! Rachel: What? Phoebe: (reading): Your Visa bill is huge! Rachel: (grabs the bill) Give me that! (Camera cuts to Chandler and Ross at table.) Chandler: You know, I can't believe you. Linda is so great! Why won't you go out with her again? Ross: I don't know. Chandler: Is this still about her whole 'The Flintstones could've really happened' thing? Ross: No, it's not just that. It's just—I want someone who... who does something for me, y'know? Who gets my heart pounding, who... who makes me, uh... (begins to stare lovingly at Rachel) Chandler: ...little playthings with yarn? Ross: What? Chandler: Could you want her more? Ross: Who? Chandler: (sarcastically) Dee, the sarcastic sister from Whats Happening. Ross: Look, I am totally, totally over her, OK, I just... (Rachel comes over, Ross lays head on table): Hiiii! Rachel: Hi! How are you? Ross: We're fine, we're fine. Rachel: OK. (walks away) (Ross keeps staring at her, head on table. Chandler smacks him with a newspaper. Joey enters, Ross and Chandler laugh at him.) Joey: Shut up! Chandler: We're not—we're not saying anything. Phoebe: What? Ross: Uhhhh... Joey cried last night. Joey: Thank you. Chandler: (to the girls) We were playing poker, alright... Joey: There was chocolate on the three. It looked like an eight, alright? Ross: Oh, guys, you should've seen him. 'Read 'em and weep.' Chandler: And then he did. Rachel: Well, now, how come you guys have never played poker with us? Phoebe: Yeah, what is that? Like, some kind of guy thing? Like, some kind of sexist guy thing? Like it's poker, so only guys can play? Ross: No, women are welcome to play. Phoebe: Oh, OK, so then what is it? Some kind of... you know, like, like... some kind of, y'know, like... alright, what is it? Chandler: There just don't happen to be any women in our games. Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker. Girls: Oh, yeah, right. Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse! Rachel: Really. Monica: I mean, that's a typical guy response. Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play? Girls: No. Rachel: But you could teach us. Guys: No. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the guys are teaching the girls how to play poker.] Chandler: (teaching) OK, so now we draw cards. Monica: So I wouldn't need any, right? Cause I have a straight. Rachel: Oh, good for you! Phoebe: Congratulations! (Microwave timer goes off. Monica gets up.) Chandler: OK Phoebs, how many do you want? Phoebe: OK, I just need two... the, um, ten of spades and the six of clubs. Ross: No. No, uh, Phoebs? You can't—you can't do... Rachel: Oh wait, I have the ten of spades! Here! (gives it to Phoebe) Ross: No, no. Uh... no, see, uh, you-you can't do that. Rachel: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no, that's OK, I don't need them. I'm going for fours. Ross: Oh, you're... (gives up) (Monica comes back to the table with plates of food.) Monica: Alright, here we go. We've got salmon roulettes and assorted crudites. Phoebe and Rachel: OOooooo! Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you doin'? This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz...(look of realization) Chandler: (changing subject) OK, so at this point, the dealer... Monica: Alright, you know, we got it, we got it. Let's play for real. High stakes... big bucks... Ross: Alright, now, you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn't look happy... Phoebe: But... I'm ready, so, just deal. Chandler: OK, alright, last minute lesson, last minute lesson. (holds up two cards) Joey... three... eight. Eight... three. (Joey is unamused) Alright babe, deal the cards. (Time lapse.) Monica: (throws down her cards) Dammit, dammit, dammit! Phoebe: (to Joey): Oh I see, so then, you were lying. Joey: About what? Phoebe: About how good your cards were. Joey: Heh... I was bluffing. Phoebe: A-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not another word for... lying? Rachel: OK, sorry to break up this party, but I've got resumes to fax before work tomorrow... (gets up to leave) Guys: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Chandler: Rach, Rach, we gotta settle. Rachel: Settle what? Chandler: The... Jamestown colony of Virginia. You see, King George is giving us the land, so... Ross: The game, Rachel, the game. You owe us money for the game. Rachel: Oh. Right. Joey: You know what, you guys? It's their first time, why don't we just forget about the money, alright? Monica: Hell no, we'll pay! Phoebe: OK, Monica? I had another answer all ready. Monica: And you know what? We want a rematch. Ross: Well that's fine with me. Could use the money. Rachel: (to Ross): So basically, you get your ya-yas by taking money from all of your friends. Ross: (pause)...Yeah. Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less. Ross: Look, Rachel, this is poker. I play to win, alright? In order for me to win, other people have to lose. So if you're gonna play poker with me, don't expect me to be a 'nice guy,' OK? Cause once those cards are dealt... (claps hands three times) Joey: (pause)...Yeah? Ross: I'm not a nice guy. --

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