[Scene 13: Central Perk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her brother, who in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.] Ross: I'm gonna be a father. Rachel: This is just occurring to you? Ross: I always knew I was havin' a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me. Rachel: (She comforts him too) Oh, you're gonna be great! Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I can't even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid? Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different. (Joey tires of this, so he gets up to leave.) Phoebe: Where're you going? Joey: Out. Phoebe: With? Joey: (Spreading his arms wide) Yes. Phoebe: Alright, could I just ask you one question? (Joey nods his head.) Phoebe: Have you two, you know... like... you know... you know... yet? Joey: Well, not that it's any of your business, but, no, we haven't, okay? (Joey walks toward the door, then hesitates and turns back.) Joey: You meant sex, right? (Phoebe buttons her lip, while the rest of the gang pretend they're not there.) [Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is working as Nina knocks, then opens the door.] Nina: Do you have a sec? Chandler: Ah, sure, Nina. What's up? Nina: I don't know. For the past couple days, people have been avoiding me and giving me these really strange looks. Chandler: Oh, well, ah... maybe that's because they're ah... jealous, of us. Nina: Maybe. But that doesn't explain why they keep taking my scissors. Chandler: Ah, well, maybe that's, ah, because you're getting a big raise. Nina: I am? Chandler: Sure, why not? Nina: Oh my god! (Rushing over to give him a big hug) You're amazing! Chandler: Oh, you don't know. (Presses a button.) Helen, could you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder's raise? Helen: (Over the intercom) So you still want me to send her psychological profile to Personnel? Nina: What? Chandler: Helen drinks. (Insincerely) Will you marry me? (Nina puts her hands on her hips, then gives Chandler a quizzical look.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.] Chandler: Well, I ended up telling her everything. Rachel: Oh, how'd she take it? Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He holds up a bandaged hand.) Little tip: if you're ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand... (he mimes Nina taking her revenge) ..on the desk. Monica: Okay, I think I get how to do this. (Monica points the remote at her TV, and punches out a key combination from the book, but the dreaded SAP logo remains and Spanish still comes forth.) Phoebe: Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can we just make it... make them go away? Because I can't, I can't watch. Monica: (Remotely turning off the television) okay, Pheebs, they're gone. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Are you alright? Phoebe: Yeah. It's just, you know, it's this whole stupid Ursula thing, it's... Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he's going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible? Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I'm not saying she's like evil or anything. She just, you know, she's always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn't let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend? Monica and Rachel: (Wistfully, shaking their heads) No. Phoebe: Well, but that's what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then... broke his heart... and then he wouldn't even talk to me any more. Because he said he didn't wanna be around... anything that looked like either one of us. Rachel: Oh... Oh, Pheebs. Phoebe: I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but... Chandler: You're not gonna lose him. Monica: Hon, you gotta talk to Joey. Phoebe: Yeah. Okay. Ross: No, come on, he doesn't know this stuff. If he knew how you felt. Phoebe: But he's falling in love with her. Rachel: Oh please, they've been going out a week. They haven't even slept together yet, I mean, that's not serious. Phoebe: Okay... Okay. (Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.) Phoebe: Oh, okay, oh. (Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joey's apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joey's shirts.) Ursula: (Surprised) Oh. (Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she owns the place.) Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you? Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is taking down the Christmas lights. Monica sees her, so she leans out of the small side window.] Monica: Rachel, what are you doing? It's freezing out here. Would you come back inside? Rachel: No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so... (she climbs onto the railing to reach the top of a pole) ..I'm taking them down. Okay? Whoa! (Screams.) (Rachel slips, loses her balance, and falls over the edge..) Monica: Oh-my-god Rachel! (Rushing out to look over the edge) Rachel! (In the apartment below, Mr.Heckles is trying to relax and read his newspaper, but Rachel is helplessly dangling upside-down with her ankle wrapped up in the Christmas lights.) Rachel: (To Monica) I'm okay! I'm okay! (She knocks on Mr. Heckles's window.) Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please? Mr.Heckles: See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking about. End --

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