116 part-2 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.] Chandler: It's not just that she's cute, okay. It's just that... she's really really cute. Ross: It doesn't matter. You don't dip your pen in the company ink. (Marcel scampers about, interfering with the neatness.) Monica: Ross, your little creature's got the remote again. Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote... (Marcel points the remote at Monica's television, pressing a particular combination of keys. The logo SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the dialogue is dubbed into Spanish.) Monica: Great. Ross: Relax, I'll fix it. Rachel: (Looking at the television) Cool... "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel." Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this? Chandler: (Looking out at the balcony) So tell me something, is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long? (Rachel slowly spins around, finally noticing that the lights have outstayed their welcome.) Monica: Ah no, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year's... but obviously someone forgot. Rachel: Well, someone was supposed to write "Rach, take down the lights" and put it on the re... frigerate... (finally noticing Monica's note stuck to the refrigerator) How long has that been there? (Joey enters, looking extremely pleased with himself.) Chandler: Hey, where you been? Joey: I went back to Riff's. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries. Chandler: Score. Joey: She is so hot! Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.) Joey: Pheebs? Phoebe: (Jumping up) Yeah? Joey: You think it would be okay if I asked out your sister? Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna... do that? Why? Joey: So that if we went out on a date, she'd be there. Phoebe: Well, I mean, I'm not my sister's, you know, whatever, and um... I mean, it's true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, we've grown apart, so, um... I don't know, why not? Okay. Joey: Cool, thanks. (He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.) Ross: You okay? Phoebe: Yeah I'm fine. Ross: You wanna watch Laverney Shirley? (The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.) [Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins' pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.] Ross: Sorry. Ross: Hi. Sorry I'm late. Where's, where's Carol? Susan: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can go. I'll get the information. Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know what's going on. Susan: Oh, good. This'll be fun. Teacher: Alrighty. We're gonna start with some basic third stage breathing exercises, so Mummies, why don't you get on your back? And... coaches, you should be supporting Mummy's head. (Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.) Ross and Susan: What? What? What? Susan: I am supposed to be the mommy? Ross: Okay, I'm gonna play my sperm card one more time. Susan: Look, I don't see why I should have to miss out on the coaching training just because I'm a woman. Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do? Susan: I will flip you for it. Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads! Susan: (Triumphantly) On your back... Mom. (Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susan's lap like all the other fathers.) Teacher: Alright, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath. (Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.) Teacher: Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower. (Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.) [Scene: Chandler's Office. Chandler is playing with a toy as his boss Mr. Douglas knocks and opens the door.] Chandler: Mr. D, how's it going, sir? Mr. Douglas: Ohh, it's been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in. Chandler: And? Mr. Douglas: It's pretty ugly. We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies. Chandler: So what does this mean? Mr. Douglas: Well, we're gonna be layin' off people in every department. Chandler: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my hair was very very – Mr. Douglas: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone? [Scene: Chandler's Office, later that day, Nina is in his office.] Chandler: Nina? Nina. (He goes around his desk to where she is sitting.) Nina. (In pain) Nina. (She sympathetically reaches out to fondle the inner thigh of his left leg.) Nina: Are you okay? Chandler: (Looking down at her hand) Yes, yes I am. Err, listen, the reason that I called you in here today was, err... please don't hate me. Nina: (Taking her hand away) What? Chandler: (Suddenly bright) Would you like to have dinner sometime? (Nina gasps in surprise and relief.) [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is at the counter, serving coffee to Phoebe.] Rachel: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday? Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me. Rachel: Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree and Evelyn? Phoebe: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice. Rachel: Ooh, okay... good. (Jamie Buchman and Fran Devanow enter the coffee house. They look about them as Jamie removes her coat and scarf.) Jamie: What is this place? Fran: Look, you're cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign) ..there's a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be? (Jamie notices Phoebe sitting at the counter.) Jamie: I think we have an answer. Fran: What's she doing here? Jamie: This could be God's way of telling us to eat at home. Fran: Think she got fired at Riff's? Jamie: No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept... (shuddering at the memory) ..bringing swordfish. (Indicating the ladies' bathroom) are you gonna go to the, um? Fran: I'm gonna wait till after we order. It's her, right. Jamie: It looks like her. (Phoebe walks by, ignoring the two strangers.) Jamie: Um, excuse me. Phoebe: Yeah? Jamie: Hi, it's us. Phoebe: (Smiling blankly) Right, and it's me. Jamie: So, so you're here too? Phoebe: Much as you are. Jamie: (Without moving her lips) Your turn. Fran: Err... we know what we want. Phoebe: (Philosophically) Oh, that's good. Jamie: All we want is two Caffe Lattes. Fran: And some biscotti cookies. Phoebe: Good choice. (Phoebe turns away so that the two weird women won't see the face she pulls, and sits down.) Jamie: Definitely her. Fran: Yeah. Commercial break --

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