116 The One With Two Parts, part 1 part 1 [Scene: Rift's Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are there.] Chandler: This is unbelievable. It's been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you'd be looking like a ham right about now. (Ursula Buffay, Phoebe's identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.) Joey: There's the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss? (Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming from.) Chandler: It's Phoebe! Hi! (Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.) Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all? Chandler: Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing here? Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now I’m here. Joey: No, no... how come you are working here? Ursula: Right, yeah, 'cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute. Chandler: Can we start over? Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. I’m gonna be over here. (She wanders away.) Chandler & Joey: No, no, no! Opening Credits [Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.] Ross: I don't know whether he's testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident. Rachel: No, yeah, I've done that. Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword. Rachel: I've never done that. (Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to peer through the window at Phoebe, by bending down to look underneath the shop's sign— a large steaming cup of coffee.) Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn't look exactly like her sister. Joey: I'm saying I see a difference. Chandler: They're twins! Joey: I don't care. Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's... hot! (Joey and Chandler come indoors.) Chandler: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things? Joey: Yeah. Chandler: Let's not do that any more. (They hang up their coats and scarves, then approach their friends on the main sofa.) All: Hey guys! Hey! Joey: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today. Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, fun! Okay... um, Liam Neeson. Joey: Nope. Phoebe: Morly Safer. Joey: Nope. Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair! Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game. Chandler: Your sister Ursula. Phoebe: (Her face dropping) Oh, really. Chandler: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh... Phoebe: Rift's. Yeah, I know. Chandler: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven't talked in like years. Phoebe: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat? Joey: Not from where I was standin’. Phoebe: (Turning to Chandler) where were you standing? Rachel: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don't get along? Phoebe: It's mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?" Ross: Oh, Pheebs, I'm sorry, I've got to go. I've got Lamaze class. Chandler: Oh, and I've got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in Gym. Rachel: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol? Ross: No, Susan's gonna be there too. We've got dads, we've got lesbians, the whole parenting team. Rachel: Well, isn't, isn't that gonna be weird? Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think I'm pretty comfortable with the whole situation. Monica: Ross, that's my jacket. Ross: I know. (Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.) [Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, who's got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.] Woman: Hi, we're the Rostins. Err, I'm J.C., and he's Michael, and we're having a boy, and a girl. Teacher: Good for you. Alrighty, next? Ross: Hi, um, I'm err, (has to clear his throat) I'm Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carol's bulge) ..that's, that's my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carol's, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..who's next? Teacher: I'm sorry, I didn't get... Susan is? Ross: Susan is Carol's, Carol's, Carol's, friend... Carol: Life partner. Ross: Like buddies. Susan: Like lovers. Ross: You know how close women can get. (The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up. Susan and Carol pat each other affectionately.) Carol: Susan and I live together. Ross: Although I was married to her. Susan: Carol, not me. Ross: Err, right. Carol: It's a little complicated. Ross: A little. Susan: But we're fine. Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! That's like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch. [Scene : Chandler's Office, Chandler is working.] (Helen's buzzer is heard on the intercom, so Chandler presses his button, too.) Chandler: And (he imitates the buzzer) to you too, Helen. Helen: (Over the intercom) Nina Bookbinder is here to see you. Chandler: Oh, okay. Send her in. (He hurriedly checks his hair in his computer screen, before taking a sporting trophy from a drawer to place ostentatiously on his desk. An attractive young woman opens the door.) Nina: Hi. Chandler: Hi, Nina. Come on in. Nina: You wanted to see me? Chandler: Uh, Yes. Yes. I've just been going over your data here, and little thing, you've been post-dating your Friday numbers. Nina: Which is bad, because? Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack. Nina: Your... excuse me? Chandler: WENUS. (Coughs) Weekly Estimated Net... Nina: Oh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha, gotcha. Won't happen again. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your... "wenus." (Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches her drift, but for once he's lost for something to say – so she nods her head to tell him that he’s thinking correctly...) --

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