103 The One With the Thumb - PART 3 SCENE 3: IRIDIUM (MONICA AND PAULA ARE AT WORK) MONICA: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd. PAULA: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you. MONICA: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked. PAULA: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy.. (CUT TO RACHEL+MONICA'S APARTMENT. CHANDLER IS SMOKING ON THE BALCONY, PHOEBE IS ABSENT) JOEY: Let it go, Ross. ROSS: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi. MONICA: Do you all promise? ALL: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good! MONICA: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler? Do you promise to be good? (CHANDLER MAKES A 'CROSS MY HEART' SIGN. IT STARTS TO RAIN AND CHANDLER TAPS ON THE WINDOW) JOEY: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside! (CHANDLER SULKILY PICKS UP A GARBAGE CAN LID AND SHELTERS HIMSELF UNDER IT) (ENTER PHOEBE. SHE STRIDES TO THE COUCH, SITS DOWN AND BEGINS TO READ WITHOUT SAYING HI) ROSS: Hey, Pheebs. PHOEBE: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone! RACHEL: What bank is this? (DOOR BUZZER) MONICA: Hey. It's him. (TO INTERCOM) Who is it? ALAN (INTERCOM): It's Alan. JOEY: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler! He's here! (CHANDLER COMES IN, DRIPPING WET) MONICA: (TO ALL) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me. (OPENS THE DOOR- ENTER ALAN) MONICA: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan. ALAN: Hi. ALL: Hi, Alan. ALAN: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh! (GENERAL HYSTERIA) SCENE 4: RACHEL+ MONICA'S (LATER IN THE EVENING) MONICA: (AT THE DOOR, TO ALAN, WHO IS LEAVING) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (TO ALL) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm? (SILENCE) MONICA: C'mon! ROSS: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him. ALL: Loved him! Yeah! He's great! MONICA: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with? ALL: Yeah! RACHEL: And did you notice...? (SPREADS HER THUMB AND INDEX FINGER) THE GUYS: (RELUCTANTLY) Yeah. JOEY: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked. PHOEBE: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe! ROSS: ...What shoe? PHOEBE: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...' (DUBIOUS PAUSE) ROSS: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured. RACHEL: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it. MONICA: Really! CHANDLER: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (DOES IT) ROSS: You know what I like most about him, though? ALL: What? ROSS: The way he makes me feel about myself. ALL: Yeah... (AD BREAK) --

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