作者mrshoward (飄泰泰)
看板poetry
標題[創作] 暫無題(1st revision)
時間Tue Nov 6 17:05:57 2012
The glowing dusk envelops us in a dream
Of a long day's hard work
In which we toil and toil
To root the roots of all things optimistic.
We come home to a table of yesterday's
Leftovers, reheated from the night before.
In the microwave a religious play
Of reincarnation from jelly to fat.
Family driven to greet one another
Find comfort in little variations of the day.
Reported crimes of bitty alterations,
The eyewitness of epic resilience.
The steel dragons sidewind across the city
To bear pilgrims toward the shrines of things.
Dusk gives way to dawn, dawn to dusk.
Before we wake, life has been forever elsewhere.
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Revised after receiving suggestions.
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This is my first time completing a poem.
I can yet find a title for it, so temporarily it is "not titled".
I'd love to have others' opinions and learn from them.
You would be indeed very kind to let me know what you think of it.
Hope to contribute more in the future.
:)
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※ 發信站: 批踢踢實業坊(ptt.cc)
◆ From: 140.112.116.40
1F：推 yuuyh:I like the last line~ Maybe the title can have sth. to 11/06 19:30
2F：→ yuuyh:do with dusk? 11/06 19:31
※ 編輯: mrshoward 來自: 1.163.152.171 (11/06 19:45)
3F：推 spacedunce5:i apologize beforehand for my acerbic comments... 11/06 20:21
4F：→ spacedunce5:1st stanza's dream metaphor is a bit loose; how is 11/06 20:22
5F：→ spacedunce5:it a dream? what kind of dream? 2nd stanza 11/06 20:22
6F：→ spacedunce5:leftoverS, timeS; like the metaphor! 3rd stanze 11/06 20:23
7F：→ spacedunce5:inquire AFTER, variationS, alterCations, "bitty" 11/06 20:24
8F：→ spacedunce5:is too slangy, how about "little," "tiny"? 11/06 20:24
9F：→ spacedunce5:lines 4 and 5 aren't capitalized 11/06 20:25
10F：→ spacedunce5:3rd stanza i would move the comma to the 1st line 11/06 20:26
11F：→ spacedunce5:and end the third with a colon or dash 11/06 20:26
12F：→ spacedunce5:third to last line: if you want to decrease number 11/06 20:28
13F：→ spacedunce5:of feet, try: 11/06 20:28
14F：→ spacedunce5:"Bearing pilgrims toward material shrines." 11/06 20:28
15F：→ spacedunce5:or even "Whisking" 11/06 20:28
16F：→ spacedunce5: a 11/06 20:29
17F：→ mrshoward:not at all.U r very welcome. Thank you. 11/06 20:35
18F：→ mrshoward:will think about your suggestions! :) 11/06 20:36
※ 編輯: mrshoward 來自: 140.112.116.40 (11/07 13:46)
※ 編輯: mrshoward 來自: 140.112.116.40 (11/07 16:13)