※ 引述《imlazy (dear fear)》之銘言： : so freak she was in that sequence : Cindy had her hair cut of m's order : for somebody told grief since birth : this new order opposed these fake suggestions : like skyline toward unknown reality This is a potential good poem, provided that it be carefully revised. Confined by my limited knowledge, I cannot interpret how the hair in m's order look like, and how it relates with the grief told by somebody since Cindy's birth. Roughly I regard the poem's intention as a passive action using for defying the social codes, individuality versus conformity. The protest lies in Cindy's hair, quiet like the skyline hanging in a distance. This silent protest becomes especially effective when being put together with a neutral background. Yet the poem kind of loses its power as the last two lines' syllables outnumber the others', softening a possible strong sum-up. Moreover, the use of "unknown reality" (5) is hardly clever because it does not really parallel with the skyline. And it is itself too vague and pointless. (I even suspect if it is "truth" rather than "reality" that the author intended to mean) My suggestion would be changing the narrating of a fact to depicting a quiet scene, in which Cindy standing with her freaky hair style before tranquil background, a clear sky embracing a city of austere buildings and the skyline dwindling at the far end. -- For those who are interested in English poetry: 英詩板 --> 雅典娜的神殿 --> 英詩入門 --> 波魯米尼玆幽冥旅 Maybe you will find something interesting. Welcome any discussion on writing. --

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