I think I will start from the theme, which is, it seems, a touching monologue for a close friend or relative of the narrator telling the person who is addressed that s/he has done quite an effort in helping him/her out. Yet the monologue turns out to be pretty forceful, although it is definitely emotional, since the narrator would be the light for the one who's addressed "for a while" (9) even if s/he tries softening his/her stubbornness. Grammatically, it is a little peculiar in using present tense if the narrator does not mean to express any special idea; and more peculiar in arranging the sentences in this manner, which is on the edge of grammatically unacceptable. The sentence structure also blocks the reader from interpreting the poem, as s/he may stop to ponder, "What's quiet? Solitude? Or the thought? Is it alright? Or aright?" The adjectives kind of lose their focus and become less illuminating or indicative. The attempt of rhyming is obvious, and not unsuccessful; but would probably improve if it can work with the theme by making the rhythms coarse sometimes. As for the "parachute" (5), I have not deciphered its connection with the slot it fills. Finally, I am not sure if the forceful style is what you want. But if it does, maybe you can subsitute one or two rough words to reinforce the feeling. If not, maybe you will want to consider to replace the word "eyeball" (3), which carries little romantic sense traditionally. -- For those who are interested in English poetry: 英詩板 --> 雅典娜的神殿 --> 英詩入門 --> 波魯米尼玆幽冥旅 Maybe you will find something interesting. Welcome any discussion on writing. --

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