Locking Yourself Out, Then Trying to Get Back In You simply go out and shut the door without thinking. And when you look back at what you've done it's too late. If this sounds like the story of a life, okay. It was raining. The neighbors who had a key were away. I tried and tried the lower windows. Stared inside at the sofa, plants, the table and chairs, the stereo set-up. My coffee cup and ashtray waited for me on the glass-topped table, and my heart went out to them. I said, Hello, friends, or something like that. After all, this wasn't so bad. Worse things had happeneed. This was even a little funny. I found the ladder. Took that and leaned it against the house. Then climbed in the rain to the deck, swung myself over the railing and tried the door. Which was locked, of course. But I looked in just the same at my desk, some papers, and my chair. This was the window on the other side of the desk where I'd raise my eyes and stare out when I sat at that desk. This is not like downstairs, I thought. This is something else. And it was something to look in like that, unseen, from the deck. To be there, inside, and not be there. I don't even think I can talk about it. I brought my face close to the glass and imagined myself inside, sitting at the desk. Looking up from my work now and again. Thinking about some other place and some other time. The people I had loved then. I stood there for a minute in the rain. Considering myself to be the luckiest of men. Even though a wave of grief passed through me. Even though I felt violently ashamed of the injury I'd done back then. I bashed that beautiful window. And stepped back in. Raymond Carver heh .. I can't believe I typed al that ... I read this one on my way to my Japanese lesson this reminds me of this Martian poem another poet wrote (does anyone know what I'm talking about?) isolation -- looking back into our mundane lives from a distance -- be the little "i" (see previous post on Cummings) -- and break that beautiful window. ;) -- _______________________________________________ [email protected] :: http://darkshadows.org/~skyhawk --

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