You'll never know... or I suppose, even if you know, you probably wouldn't care too much. How I crave to hear your voice, yet everytime I heard them I have to battle my own desire, my own hatred, and the resulting sadness. How I am able to utter something completely calm, rational, even appear so passive in our exchange, while I constantly struggle with all these turmoils inside me...is a mystery I probably won't be able to answer no matter how hard I tried. You'll never know... How I have to force myself to listen to what you're saying instead of just your voice, that soft, sweet, innocent voice that draws me like a moth to a flame. How I even encouraged you to talk about your ever-changing boyfriends and your future plans just so I could hear your voices longer. But ah, jealou- sy and anger and hatred will eventually take its toll...So I have to end our conversation before it does. It's a lose-lose situation. Either way, I will feel the pain. You'll never know... How I seem unable to find a topic that I could devote any passion to it... Because it's so hard to think about anything else besides how I felt about you, how I still feel about you. "Let's just say...major, it's futher incentive for me to regain my power" One of the villians of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Dukat, uttered those words to another charactor, Kira Nerys, with whom he has an eternal infatua- tion. It's ironic how I could find more and more understanding within myself with all these typical stereotype villians of hollywood drama....because they are usually not an inherently evil person, just a combination of unfortunate situations and the fallibility of human nature which, unless personally exp- erienced...would not be able to understand. How I wish things are as simple as that, but I know, even if that's true. I wouldn't want to do that. But I just don't know how...how... Today I listend to Stratovarius' Destiny over and over again....and felt the urge to sing with the lyrics...because I don't know how to explain all of these anymore, and frankly I no longer cared that much... I was going to ask you out and ...perhaps just chat a bit. But what would be the point? Yes it'll be quite agreeable to see you in person, but as always, the thought of never be able to hold you in my arms would probably be too overwhelming, and I'll just spent the entire time staring at you and just...stay passive. and I'll just spent the entire time staring at you and just...stay passive. instead of having a good time, I'll probably go home with more intense and conflicted emotions.... And I haven't realized until now, that's probably why I haven't call you in so long....... Love is such a strong and vague word to use, that I found myself rather describe my own emotions in this word, rather , I would say that my feelings toward you are at the same time affectionate, angered, infatuated, saddened, overjoyed, infuriated, and so much more. Everybody fancy themselves as the hero of their own lifes, even tragic ones. But the real tragedy of my life is that I'm constantly playing the villian. And so I understand, how defeat could teach a man more than victory. How things are often more ambigous than we're led to believe. Still, I envied your innocence. I've been listening to your plans for the future ever since we met, and their change with each boyfriend and successive years, they're naive te' usually at the same time angered and astonished me, yet there's always the trace of envy that never goes away. It's ironic how we could never bring ourselves to express our true feelings and intentions with those we wanted to do it the most. You joked about you being the protagonist of my nightmares as a vampire or some flesh-devourng creatures when I told you that I had a nightmare last night I only wish you know how true that was. Because its eating me away, sucking me dry bit by bit. in my dreams I'm fighting for something, can't rememeber the exact details. but I remeber the distinct feeling of craving for you and at same time trying to protect you from something. And I woke up feeling my muscles sour as if it was from intense excertion, my body was covered in sweat, my face filled with tears. And so I wondered, what went wrong? After all I was so successful in controlling my reactions to the thought of never be able to get the response from you that I always craved from you ever since that fateful day so many years ago. Perhaps the most dangerous emotions are unrequited ones...... and they'll return to haunt us when we least expect them. And so, I curse you, for the pain you brought. Yet I dread at the prospect of any harm comes to you. Still.... -- Forplayer: Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is hear no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. --

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