some general suggestions (also for other writers) 1. since the topic is a TOEFL one, you might want to consider who the reader is and why you need to write the essay. For example, the topic indicates that it is an argumentative essay, that is, you need to express your opinion and shows the reader(rater) that your argument is better. So, to make your argument more persuasive should be one goal. 2. Because it is a test, you might not want your weaknesses exposed to the reader. You might want to avoid using unfamiliar vocabulary or sentence structures that are too complex. Although it's practice, you might want to take it into consideration when you are trying to write for the real test. 3. Now TOEFL IBT requires at least 300 words for the first essay. Therefore, While writing, you might need to pay attention to the number of words too. For this round, I will mainly focus on organization, not grammar. ※ 引述《jarlinlove (永夜角聲悲自語)》之銘言： : Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Playing a game is fun : only when you win. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion. : --------------------------------------------------------------------- : Asked the reason why to play a game, people may give varied answers, : such as killing time, catching up with peers, escaping the pressure of daily : life, and so on. However, the most popular answer should be – for fun. What : does the fun of playing a game be comprised of? Does victory play a key role : in it? From my point of view, win or lose does not really matter. In the introduction, you gave readers a nice background of why people played games, and stated your opinion that winning did not matter. However, the reason why having fun has nothing to do with winning was not explained. I would suggest that you state your opinion and provide the reasons very briefly. Ex. playing games is fun, but focus on winning is not, because.... and provide a little bit information about what you are going to say next in the end of the parapgraph. : Above all, playing a game is a common pastime for us in our leisure : time. During this period, we enjoy being carefree and relaxed for escaping : from daily routine. Games provide a fictitious situation which is vastly : different from the reality. That is the first reason for the fun of game. In this paragraph you gave the reason that playing games is fun because it helps us feel relaxed. But trying to win is a part of playing. To persuade readers that winning does not matter, you might want to add some sentences for counter-argument. Ex, playing games helps us relax but we won't be relaxed if we focus on winning. It then becomes another kind of pressure--no fun. : Secondly, playing games is a process of challenging. No matter what kind : of game it is, what we participants do is to try to reach the goal. Even if : we lose, trying is also worthwhile to experience on account of improvement of : skills or something else. While win brings us satisfaction, loss gave us : excitement. here it would be helpful to provide some concrete examples. Therefore, avoid using unclear/genergal wording such as "something else". EX. playing chess can improve logical thinking, because..... or playing WOW can enhence our ability of organizing, because we need to assign missions to different people with different skills. : Last but not least, playing games is a way to socialize even though you : are doing it alone. Those who take part in the same kind of game form a : specific group, which let members share strategies or thoughts with each : other. In order not to be out of tune, joining in play a game is significant : for a person to keep up with the fashion and associate with more friends. this paragraph seems to show the advantages of playing games instead of the relationship between the fun of playing games and winning. you might want to add some sentences to create that link. : Owing to the three causes, we can still feel fun regardless of the : result. That’s why I think winning is not the only reason why playing games : is fun. These are just my personal opinions. Please feel free to ask if my feedback is unclear to you. I would suggest that you revise it, for writing is usually improved through a number of revisions, just like what we do with our research articles. HoHo~ --

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