Great Traity That Grate One of the first questions I ask couples when they come in for marriage coaching is, "What first attracted you to each other?" Typical responses are that it was the other person's looks or sense of humor. Once we get past the superficial attractions, what usually comes up is a complementary characteristic, something that might be missing in oneself. We seem to be drawn to a sense of completion. While this can paint a nice picture of teamwork, the process eventually begins to break down. Inevitably, what happens is that things that were once attractive become the same things that cause irritation down the line. The physical affection that was once so attractive is now smothering. What was once a wonderful sense of humor is now seen as an inability to take things seriously. Let's take for example a fictional couple we'll call Joe and Mary. Mary was attracted to Joe's leadership and planning abilities. Joe was attracted to Mary's spontaneity and vision for the future. Now in business together, they have wonderfully complementary skills: Mary's ability to dream and create is coupled with Joe's practical skills. However, Joe sees Mary as a dreamer who never follows through. And Mary sees Joe as a cynic who nags her. How to- appreciate each other For a couple to be a productive team, the differences need to be appreciated. This can be accomplished through the following steps: * Simply appreciating and honoring the differences. * Understanding the differences as a matter of style and not a matter of right and wrong. * "Trying on" the other person's style, to see what there might be to learn. * Understanding they are not in competition with each other; that they are on the same team. Expert Advice on Keeping a Marriage Going Author and marriage counselor Emerson E. Eggerichs has important messages for spouses: Wives are made to love, want to love, expect love, but many husbands fail to deliver. Husbands are made to be respected, want respect, expect respect, but many wives fail to deliver. Eggerichs, 56, has written about these points in his book, Love & Respect. The Bee recently talked with Eggerichs about his thoughts on love and his advice for couples to better understand each other. Here's what he had to say. Q: Where did you grow up, and who or what influenced you the most? A: I grew up in Illinois till [the age of] 13. I was influenced, marriage-wise, by my mom and dad. They divorced when I was i. Then they remarried, which I am grateful for. Then they separated for four to five years. Then they came back together. I remember Mom and Dad mainly didn't live together—and I wet the bed for years, crying myself to sleep. Q: So how did that experience influence you? A: I was influenced by my own wounded-ness and brokenness; I understand children crying themselves to sleep. Q: Who exactly is Emerson E. Eggerichs? A: My wife [Sarah] and I are one beggar to the other beggar, asking, "Where is the bread?" People see our transparency and our personal needs. We've been able to say things in such a way ... One person thought we knew him so well that he said, "You've been living in my home. It's against the law to have surveillance cameras in a home." Q: What is at the heart of your message? A: We believe a wife needs to be loved by her husband. We believe a husband needs to be respected by his wife. There's controversy because the wife says, "Don't I need respect?" Q: What is the secret for your marriage? [The Eggerichses will celebrate their 35th wedding anniversary September 3.] A: The secret, or the novelty, is unconditional respect for the spirit of the man and unconditional respect for the spirit of the woman. For wives, there's a way to show respect even when a man doesn't deserve it.,. Q: How do you define love? A: We talk about an "energizing cycle"—how two people can positively motivate one another by doing one simple thing. His love motives her respect; her respect defines his love. Q: What's the first step people can take to restore, strengthen or improve their marriage? A: They can start by understanding they are married to a good-willed person even though he or she is failing them. When a wife feels unloved, she acts in [dis] respectful ways— and it [irritates] him. When a husband feels disrespected, he creates a stone wall. He closes off because she doesn't feel respect toward him. Q: And what do you do when you slip up? A: Say you made a mistake. Going back and seeking forgiveness is fundamental. None will do it perfectly, but we can rebound. Apologize for moments of imperfection. Thing to remember *Even though feeling disrespected, pull back from being unloving toward her. *Even though feeling unloved, pull back from being disrespectful toward him. *When she is being critical or angry, she is crying out for your love; her intent is not to be disrespectful. *When he is being harsh, or stonewalling you, he is crying out for respect; his intent is not to be unloving. *If you defend your lack of love, she will feel unloved. *If you defend your lack of respect, he will feel disrespected. *When you feel disrespected, you tend to react in unloving ways and don't see it. *When you feel unloved, you tend to react disrespectfully and don't see it. worldwide englishstudio --

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