handle this, please. I have a lot of things to deal with. but the most difficult to conquer is myself. I never stop to upset with my future...and turn to my body. I feel so exhausted about against upon the image stuff, put myself in endless torture, binge or something unhealthy and weird. I feel guity and unpleasure to feel my body getting bigger and bigger. I hate my family to stop my obsession. I'm gonna escaped from them. I won't tell them a shit from so far unless I have to enter the hospital someday. Life tastes bad....unless I can controll a thing on my own. Anxiety gets on my nerve, and I cannot concentrate on study. I have to manage it by myself... everyday i feel painful when i regret, every time i binge i think of god's giving up me, i feel no place for me to release my load.. no one to share with. (What the fxck! How damn bad to "share" this trash emotion with whom i love!! I will never do that again! ) I don't want my friends to suffer concerning about me anymore. I must pretend I've already recovered, and earn my parents' trust. Then I get hopes to study abroad. So even my doctors...i can't tell a true word or feeling in front of them. Act! Act! and lie!! Keep them in mind and never speak out. also, there's another concern about my tuition. How can I afford it? Since my father just got retired, while my brother is still studying in the US, and sister remains 2-year-study in post-medical school. All expenses rely on my mother's job. I feel that maybe I should save some money and try to lessen my mom's load. One more year provides me sufficient time to strengthen my backgrounds, at the same time I could apply for scholarship or making money. Anyway, to diminish expenses of tuition. But how about the expenses I've spent on the applications this year?! Still have no idea about that. Maybe the most effective solution would be the lottery. However i still think i get a little progress, at least I won't suicide. Still wait for someone fatty loving me?! ha! Bad Joke! --

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