I tried to resist the temptation. First I pretended it was just becuase I have been tired of my mundane life and was yearning for my youth when I spent most times watching art house films. Then I persuaded myself it was only because of the actors' phenomenal acting that I was drawn into the rich emotional world of Call Me By Your Name. After 6 weeks of crazy searching, hunting and absorbing everything about Timothée Chalamet online, I finally gave in and surrendered after watching a couple of clips of his interviews. I am a Timothee Chalamet addict, I admit. I might need rehabilitation, I also admit. I like his smile, sometimes awkward but always genuine, in the interviews. I also like the complex vocabulary he would use in commentary of Call Me By Your Name and interviews about his acting and art. (He's the only person outside of academia that would pronounce "deference" in the French way...) I thought I "like" him--which is already a big obstacle of my summer writing plan because I did spend most of my time that I should've been writing for smiling at his silly smiles. And then I saw the two clips of he and Armie Hammer in the press tour of Call Me By Your Name. The first one was when the host asked them about the most romantic thing they have done. Armie was rumbling about being romantic all the time with his wife. Timmy had this helpless, subconsious smirk that a lot of shippers would interpret as jealousy. (00:36-00:51) I was struck by that facial expression. Maybe Timmy was just completely neutral, but to a (mild) shipper's eye, it's a feeling of heartbrokeness, loneliness and unrequited love. I cried in my mind after repeating this clip like 100 times. The second clip knocked me down is when the CNN host asked how they created the chemistry in the film. In the fleeting moment (2:10-2:14), Timmy exchanged a glance with Amrie. That 1-second smile is so sweet it melt my heart. That smile proves one fact: the chemistry between Armie and Timmy is so natural and authentic. It's not acting but real. Of course it's the (again, mild) shipper's wishful thinking. Somehow I am saddened by this extermely beautiful smile, though. My rational mind knows that the feminine side of Timmy is not the whole picture and the "love" we shippers imagined is probably, according to Timmy, just brotherly love. But we still hope Timmy's innocent, naive soul will be protected from heartbreaking and the toxic masculinity in today's capitalist world. At this moment I know I'm in big trouble. I've invested way too much time and energy on this beautiful boy. I stared at my cellphone screen and giggled like a high-school girl even though I'm a "grown assed woman," according to Zoe Lister-Jones. Timmy is similar to my undergraudate students' age, but I couldn't help.... Also my first stop in the States was in Manhatttan. I am still a 917 girl, and I was "enrolled" in Columbia (for one month...) I have this skinny body type and am super nervious (and well-prepared) when meeting strangers at work. Timmy is like me, a 10000 times better version of me. I have to admit that I am officially addicted to Timothee Chalamet. I need rehabilitation. Perhaps all I dreamt is that Timmy could Call Me by moi name, and I will call him by mine. --

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