123 The One With the Birth -part 1 [Scene: The hospital, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are in the waiting room, waiting for Carol and Susan to arrive.] Ross: She's not here yet. She's not here. She's having my baby and she's not here. Monica: I'm sure everything's fine. Has her water broke yet? Ross: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the mucus plug. (Joey makes a sound of absolute disgust.) Joey: Do we have to know about that? Monica: Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby? Joey: I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars. Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's. Ross: God, I don't believe this. She could be giving birth in the cab. Rachel: Oh, Ross, relax. It's probably like two dollars for the first contraction, and then fifty cents for each additional contraction. (Everyone looks at Rachel as though she made a tasteless comment.) Rachel: What, it's ok when Chandler does it? Chandler: You have to pick your moments. (Phoebe arrives, guitar in hand.) Phoebe: Did I miss it, did I miss it? Ross: She's not even here yet. Monica: What's with the guitar? Phoebe: I just thought we might be here for awhile. You know, things might get musical. (Carol and Susan arrive.) Ross: (to Carol) Where the hell have you been? Susan: We stopped at the gift shop. Carol: I was looking at stuffed animals, and Susan wanted a Chunky. Ross: Susan wanted a Chunky. We're having a baby, ok, a baby, you don't stop for Chunkys. Chandler: I used to have that bumper sticker. (Everyone is amused by Chandler's comment.) Chandler: (to Rachel) You see what I mean. Opening Credits [Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Carol is on the bed, Ross and Susan are at her side.] Ross: Stopped for a Chunky. Carol: Let it go, Ross. Susan: I got an extra one. You want this? (holds the candy in front of Ross' face) Ross: (weakly) No. (Carol's doctor, Dr. Franzblau arrives.) Dr. Franzblau: Hey, how's my favorite parenting team doing? Ross: Dr. Franzblau, hi. Dr. Franzblau: So, I understand you're thinking of having a baby? Well, I see you're nine months pregnant. That's a good start. How you doing with your contractions? Carol: Oh, I love them. Each one's like a little party in my uterus. Susan: They're every four minutes and last 55 seconds. Ross: 59 seconds. (holds up his watch) Quartz, ha. Susan: Swiss quartz, ha, ha. Carol: Am I allowed to drink anything? Dr. Franzblau: Ice chips, just ice chips. They're at the nurses' station. Ross: I'll get it. Susan: No, I'm getting it. I'll be right back. Ross: I got it—I'm getting it! (They both leave just as Rachel enters the room, holding a cup.) Rachel: Hi, I thought you might like some ice chips. Carol: Thanks. Rachel: And if you need anything else, I— (notices the handsome Dr. Franzblau)—do not believe we've met. Hi. I'm, uh, Rachel Green. I'm Carol's... ex-husband's... sister's roommate. Dr. Franzblau: It is nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau. I'm your roommate's... brother's... ex-wife's obstetrician. Rachel: Oh, that's funny! [Scene: The Waiting Room, Chandler is falling asleep on Monica's shoulder.] Monica: I want a baby. Chandler: Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow. Monica: Get up. Come on. Let's get some coffee. Chandler: Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that. (Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey, watching the Knicks/Celtics game on television.) Joey: (to the screen) Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot, or just fall down. That's good too. (A young pregnant woman enters.) Lydia: Knick fan? Joey: Oh, yeah. Lydia: Oh, boy, do they suck. Joey: Hey, listen, lady....(sees that she's pregnant)...whoa. Lydia: Look, look at your man, Ewing. Nice shot. You know what, he couldn't hit water if he was standing on a boat. Joey: Oh yeah? And who do you like? Lydia: The Celtics. Joey: The Celtics? Ha. They couldn't hit a boat if...wait. They suck, alright? Lydia: Oh, shut up. You know, it's a rebuilding year. You... waah! Joey: Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey, we need a father over here! We need a father! Lydia: There is no father. Joey: Oh, oh, oh, sorry. Lydia: Ok, that's ok. I'm fine. I'm... oh! Joey: Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other pregnant women seem to be goin' in here. Lydia: Ok. (Joey accompanies Lydia to a hospital room.) [Scene: The Waiting Room, Phoebe is playing a song. Chandler, Monica, and Ross are there as well.] Phoebe: (singing) They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch, and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much. Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why, you cry and you cry and you cry. And you cry and you cry and you cry... (Ross gives Phoebe a dollar.) Phoebe: Thanks, Ross. Ross: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop. Phoebe: Ok. (A woman passes by, carrying newborn twins.) Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute. Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two? Chandler: You'll get one. Monica: Oh yeah? When? Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one? Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40? Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically. Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40? Chandler: No, no, no. Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me? Chandler: (trapped) Uh, uh. Monica: Well? Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in) (Rachel enters, in a formal dress.) Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. Ooh, look at you, dressy-dress. Monica: Did you go home and change? Rachel: Yeah, well, it's an important day. I wanna look nice. Um, has uh Dr. Franzblau been by? Monica: No, I haven't seen him. Rachel: Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. (Pause) What if the baby needs him? Chandler: Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a doctor? Rachel: Yeah, why? Chandler: No reason. (turns around, makes an 'Oh my God' gesture with his eyes) --

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