Part 5 [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the bar.] Chandler: Oh my God. Ross: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you. Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom? Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets when he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight of Joey scowling at him) I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom. Chandler: What? Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in- Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this? Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing. Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?! Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what woulda happened. Ross: Thanks, man, big help. Chandler: (To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking? Ross: I wasn't- I mean, I- Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you. Ross: I know- Chandler: I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door) Ross: Chandler- Joey: Me neither, y'know what- Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me. Joey: What are you mad at me for?! Ross: Chandler- Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door) Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! (To Ross) See what happens when you break the code? Ross: Joey- Joey: Ah! (Points to door) Huh? (Leaves and slams the door) [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for Chandler. Rachel is writing something and Monica walks up.] Monica: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Monica: (Reading) 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'. Rachel: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'? Monica: (Reads) Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'. Phoebe: (Walks up with her guitar) Hey Rach. Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: Hello. Monica: Hello. Phoebe: Going to the hospital tonight? Monica: No, you? Phoebe: No, you? Monica: You just asked me. Phoebe: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. (Plays a few chords) Um, Rachel can we do this now? Rachel: Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot! Joey: (To Ross, on the couch) Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout. Ross: I cannot believe we're having this conversation. Joey: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all. Rachel: (Into microphone) Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay. Phoebe: Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met, who's, um, come to be very important to me. (Monica gives her a look) 'Kay. (Sung:) You don't have to be awake to be my man, As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand. Though we just met the other day, There's something I have got to say... (She sees Monica sneaking out) Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a short break! (Runs out, knocking over the mike stand) Rachel: (Into mike) Okay, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody. Woo! (Enter Chandler) Chandler: What was that? Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a... Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, alright there, Mother-Kisser? (Goes to the counter) Joey: (Laughing) Mother-Kisser... (Sees Ross's look) I'll shut up. Ross: Chandler, can I just say something? I-I know you're still mad at me, I just wanna say that there were two people there that night. Okay? Two sets of lips. Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare. Ross: Okay, well, if she always behaves like this, why don't you say something? Chandler: Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom! (People turn to look) Ross: (To the rest of Central Perk) We're rehearsing a Greek play. Chandler: That's very funny. We done now? Ross: No! Okay, you mean, you're not gonna talk to her, you're not gonna tell her how you feel? Chandler: That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her. Ross: Okay, 'you' can't, or (Points to Chandler) you can't? (Chandler grabs his finger) Okay, that's my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one knee) That's, that's my knee. (To Central Perk) Still doing the play. Aaah! --

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