110 The One With the Monkey -- Part 01 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.] Ross: Guys? There's a somebody I'd like you to meet. (A monkey jumps on to his shoulder.) All: Oooh! Monica: W-wait. What is that? Ross: 'That' would be Marcel. You wanna say hi? Monica: No, no, I don't. Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him? Ross: My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab. Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel? Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass! Monica: Ross, is he gonna live with you, like, in your apartment? Ross: Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so... Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate? Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathe- (Realises) ....sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live'. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing. Joey is not there.] Phoebe: So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman. Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman. (Enter Joey) All: Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy. Monica: So, how'd it go? Joey: Ahhhhhh, I didn't get the job. Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa last year. Joey: I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager. He's not even jolly, it's all political. Monica: So what are you gonna be? Joey: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap in the face, y'know? Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's? (They all protest and hit her with cushions) Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's? Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud! Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you. Phoebe: Yeah, you wish! Chandler: It's just that I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner. All: Yeah, okay. Alright. Chandler: Y'know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm. All: Woooo! Yeah! Rachel: Phoebe, you're on. Phoebe: Oh, oh, good. Rachel: (Into microphone) Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooh! Phoebe: (Takes mike) Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. (Shakes bell as an introduction) (Sung:) I made a man with eyes of coal And a smile so bewitchin', How was I supposed to know That my mom was dead in the kitchen? (shakes bell) La lalala la la la la lalala la la... (Cut to later. Everyone is totally depressed by now.) Phoebe: (Sung) ...My mother's ashes Even her eyelashes Are resting in a little yellow jar, And sometimes when it's breezy... (Over the sound of Phoebe singing we hear two scientists, Max and David, having a noisy discussion) Phoebe: (Sung) ...I feel a little sneezy And now I- (abruptly stops) Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! (They stop talking and look up) Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group? Max: No. No, that's- that's okay. Phoebe: Well, c'mon, if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing, then I assume it's important enough for everyone else to hear! Chandler: (Quietly, to the others) That guy's going home with a note! David: Noth- I was- I was just saying to my- Phoebe: Could you speak up please? David: (Stands up and speaks more loudly) Sorry, I wa- I was just saying to my friend that I thought you were the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen in my- in my life. And then he said that- you said you thought Max: Daryl Hannah. David: Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman that he'd ever seen in his life and I said yeah, I liked her in Splash, a lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street, I thought she had kind of a Max: Hard quality. David: -hard quality. And uh, while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in a conventional way, you are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you started yelling. (Sits down) Phoebe: Okay, we're gonna take a short break. (Goes over to their table) Joey: Hey, that guy's going home with more than a note! --

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