留学版又出现了「如何跟美国人交朋友」的讨论串 我两年多前写过一篇心得文，现在看来还不算太过时，再度贴上来跟大家分享。 请点网志连结较易阅读。 认识美国人 http://chungenliu.blogspot.com/2009/06/blog-post_25.html 来美国三年，花了很多力气在交朋友，这过程当然不是一帆风顺，在派对中被自动冷落在 一旁，话不投机而出现尴尬沈默，尽力融入美国交际圈，却因为文化差异还是不得其门而 入的挫折。托学院的福，三年下来我认识的美国同学数以百计，除了点头之交外，也很幸 运找到几位真心相待的朋友，今天就来谈谈一点小心得吧。 个人主义是美国文化的底蕴。比起台湾，这里更强调个人特质，也给予不同性格更多包容 ，来自社会价值或是同侪的压力比较少，更尊重个人隐私，也连带拉远了人与人之间的距 离。虽然人际距离比较远，美国人却很会为了礼貌维持表面的热络，很多人容易把美国人 表面的友善错觉成是友谊，遇到挫折之後，失望地觉得美国人都很虚伪，这是大家都很容 易经历的文化冲击。 就我个人的经验来说，要认识美国人比较容易，参加一个活动可能跟几十个陌生人攀谈， 但是要进一步发展成深入的友谊却需要更久的时间。台湾人比较闭俗害羞，毫无关系的两 个人很难认识，跟陌生人说话几乎等於搭讪，但若一旦认识了，似乎比较容易深入交心。 当然，语言能力还是交朋友最最根本的工具，人家说的话听不懂，自己说的话又讲不清， 要找到好朋友还是有点难度，能够用英文讲一些比较深入复杂的议题，是深交朋友的关键 。当然语言也不是全部，到了一个程度之後，更重要的是一个包容开放的心，与学习了解 不同文化的热情。 我在美国的人际关系经历了三个阶段。第一是初来乍到的蜜月期，这时觉得什麽事情都新 鲜，什麽朋友都友善，什麽活动都参加，努力融入新环境，一切都很美好。第二是撞墙期 ，这段时间中，课业开始忙碌，大家开始忙不同的活动，人际上简单的共通话题都已经讲 完，对话中常常冷场，会把美国人的友善当成友谊，把夸张的表现当成真心，进而觉得美 国人很虚伪。第三是成熟稳定期，这时已经在新的社会里找到自己的位置，能够更包容地 看待文化差异，更能自然地表现自己的人格特质，不会因为要融入环境让自己痛苦万分。 可能因为我英文程度还不错，又对世界充满好奇心，我没有经历太长的撞墙期，似乎正慢 慢过渡到第三阶段，现在最重要的一课是要在台湾跟美国两个文化间找到最好的平衡点。 前几天偶然的机会下拿出国际学生手册，重新把有关适应美国文化的章节读了一遍，三年 之後看，觉得更有体会，在这边摘录重点，希望对版友有帮助。 “Words such as would, could, can, may, and might are used to soften requests and ask for permission. When asking for permission, it is better to soften it by asking, “May I have one of these?”, rather than using a direct form such as, “I want one of these."” “Even if they don’t know you, in the U.S. people often say, “Hi, how are you?” or “How are you doing?” and then do not wait for a response. This is a polite phrase, not really a question. You can respond by saying “Hi”, or “Fine, thanks.” You may also hear an American say, “Drop by anytime” or “ Let’s get together soon.” These are friendly expressions, but they may not be meant literally. While they may be sincere, people are busy and do not always follow through on the invitation.” “Casual social life is especially evident in college and universities, because everyone is there for a relatively short period of time to pursue studies or research. The ease of casual relations are sometimes troubling to international students and scholars who have left their own friends and family at home and are learning to live in a new place. They naturally are looking for new friends and may sometimes find it very difficult to develop close relationships with Americans because they cannot seem to get beyond a very superficial acquaintance.” “You need to make an effort to meet people so that friendships can develop. The key to developing friendships is to participate fully in the activities you enjoy.” “As part of the warmth of the culture, Americans will often speak in an exaggerated way. Enthusiasm can sometimes rise to the level of being unbelievable, “Great to see you! You look fabulous. Let’s have lunch soon!” The American is not being insincere in this common style of expression. The meaning of this is probably something like “It is pleasant to see you and have this exchange on the street and it would be pleasant to see you again.” ” “One thing that Americans are not comfortable within conversation is silence. Research has shown that Americans are uncomfortable with silences longer than three seconds, whereas other cultures may take up to seven seconds or more to respond.” “When they first encounter another person, Americans often engage in small talk. This includes topics such as the weather, or the current physical surroundings (e.g. the room or building they are in). The conversation then often proceeds to common experiences such as television programs, travel to other places, or eating in local restaurants. Personal finances, religion and politics are generally considered too personal, and are topics that are often avoided in casual polite conversation. Listening to American small talk could lead one to come to the erroneous conclusion that Americans are intellectually incapable of discussion topics more complex than weather, sports, or social lives.” “Remember that going from friendliness to friendship is a gradual process and takes time.” “Some social interactions may be superficial and you may experience disappointments in your attempts to form new friends. Learn to distinguish between friendliness and the deeper bond of friendship. Most of all, don’t get discouraged. As we say in English, “There are many fish in the sea,” and finding true friends takes time and effort.” -- <补充>以上摘录来自於耶鲁OISS的学生手册，学校网页更新後原始档案已经找不到了， 更新的网页上依然有相关的资讯，有兴趣的朋友请看： http://www.yale.edu/oiss/life/cultural/americans/index.html --

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