作者dale (他们叫我阿跌)
看板poetry
标题Re: [创作] midnight
时间Tue Jan 18 01:17:19 2011
1F：→ spacedunce5:i can't seem to build tension in 61.228.86.68 01/16 23:59
2F：→ spacedunce5:this one 61.228.86.68 01/16 23:59
I like what you are building in this poem. If you want
tension, it might help to have stronger character (maybe
capitalise/rename "killer with three hands"?), stronger
rhythm (vivid linebreaks and punctuations?), and stronger
intent of murder, danger, or harm.
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世界正崩毁离析，时间正倾倒颓坏。 ├┴╮ ╭┴┤ │
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※ 发信站: 批踢踢实业坊(ptt.cc)
◆ From: 111.250.208.248
3F：推 hahastarr: 210.54.148.202 01/18 07:21
4F：推 spacedunce5:i'm thinking about a crescendo; 61.228.77.152 01/18 09:48
5F：→ spacedunce5:the overall effect is supposed to 61.228.77.152 01/18 09:48
6F：→ spacedunce5:be dreamlike and flowing, but i 61.228.77.152 01/18 09:48
7F：→ spacedunce5:want a build-up, which i can't 61.228.77.152 01/18 09:49
8F：→ spacedunce5:make happen 61.228.77.152 01/18 09:49
9F：推 yuuyh:I think syntax also helps sometimes... 180.218.53.119 01/18 12:02
10F：→ yuuyh:but then you might need to punctuate your 180.218.53.119 01/18 12:02
11F：→ yuuyh:work and it might get less dream-like... 180.218.53.119 01/18 12:03