※ [本文转录自 joke 看板] 作者: YearSecDay (年初二) 标题: 爱因斯坦的鹦鹉 时间: Mon Feb 28 12:08:36 2005 《科学人》爱因斯坦的鹦鹉 【撰文╱米尔斯基（Steve Mirsky）　翻译／锺树人】 当伟人的脑袋碰上鸟儿的脑袋…… 4月底时，美联社曾披露爱因斯坦的一位密友凡托娃女士所写的日 记，报导中指出：「凡托娃曾担任普林斯顿大学费尔斯通图书馆馆长 。今年2月馆方在凡托娃的档案中发现一本长达62页、以德文写成的 日记。」日记中提到一件趣事：爱因斯坦曾在75岁生日收到一只鹦鹉 做为礼物。据美联社报导，「爱因斯坦认定那鹦鹉患有抑郁症，便试 着讲些蹩脚笑话，想改善鹦鹉的心情。」 鹦鹉的寿命可长达一个世纪。5月初我碰到（或梦到）的那只鹦鹉 ，可能就是（也可能不是）爱因斯坦当初试图取悦的那只。那只鹦鹉 操着德国腔，背诵了一段独白，抄录如下： 「到了酒吧，我怎麽点啤酒？我这样点：『爱因斯坦爱饮四打』。 嘿！鹦鹉！你知道猪耳跟波耳有啥不同吗？当我说上帝不掷骰子时， 猪啊不会要我别教上帝怎麽做，我最讨厌那样了。那你要对发明不相 容原理的人说些什麽呢？你要说：『包立，来颗爆栗吗？』他就叫做 包立，懂了吗？哈罗，灵不灵光呀？测试，测试，一、二。嘿！鹦鹉 ！我梦到自己和丽妲海渥丝嘿咻了一小时。嗯，一小时是她觉得啦， 我咧，只有35秒钟，这就叫相对论。好了，牛顿站在巨人的肩膀上， 你知道他说了什麽？他说：『巨人，我要怎麽下去？』巨人说：『你 可以靠牛遁逃啊。』我真喜欢这笑话。鹦鹉，告诉我，什麽是劳仑兹 收缩？劳仑兹太太生小孩时，最知道什麽是劳仑兹收缩；那是一种时 限膨胀，而不是时间膨胀，懂了吗？再听一个，有两个人去了一家叫 做H的酒吧，那不就是h-Bar常数！如果你有一些物理学知识，我保证 你一定会笑得在地上打滚。呃，如果茹比基勒嫁给……嗯，惠勒，而 她又爱到达美乐喝可乐，那她就变成『爱到达美乐喝可乐的茹比基勒 惠勒』。如果狄拉克意外撞上珍罗素，大家会怎麽讲？他们一定会说 ：『看，狄拉克在泡珍罗素。』喔，一定会的，相信我。好了，你看 ，那里有一对20岁的双胞胎，其中一位咻地一声以很快的速度绕行宇 宙一圈，另一位乖乖地待在地球上。环游宇宙的那位回来时，年纪大 概长了一岁，他去找他的兄弟，却发现对方已经95岁了。年轻的走向 年老的那位，已经变老的兄弟看看年轻的双胞胎，泪水顿时涌上眼眶 。年轻的那位问：『你为何哭？』年老的说：『我真是太高兴了。』 年轻的说：『是因为见到我吗？』年老的说：『没错。你离开时欠我 100美元，现在已经变成10万美元了。』因为复利计算呀！好了，这 就是我的笑话了，鹦鹉。啥？你不喜欢住在笼子里？好呀，那你来当 当看全世界最有名的人吧，我甚至不能走出去剪个头发呢！你知道吗 ？以一只鹦鹉来说，你算是不错的听众。喔，天呀！你好像刚做了个 布朗运动。真庆幸，我把你的笼子放在我的宇宙常数提案书旁边。这 个提案是我此生的第二大错误，第一大错误是向我的第一任妻子求婚 。啦，啦，啦，鹦鹉，如果你在草坪上铺一张塑胶垫，并在垫子上装 一些圣诞节用的小灯，把灯打开之後就能得到光垫效应。西拉德与费 米一起捡果核叫什麽？核连手反应！这不好听？那你该听听我拉的小 提琴。薛丁格与海森堡开车上路，海森堡说：『嘿，我想，你刚刚压 到一只猫了。』薛丁格说：『牠死了吗？』海森堡怎麽回答？嘿嘿， 听听这个：『我测不准哩！』好了，好了，全世界最聪明的人竟然在 和一只鹦鹉讲话，嘿，鹦鹉呀，这可不是笑话，这就是我的人生。」 【2004/08/06 科学人杂志2004年8月号】 http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?articleID=00096C6C-54EB-10CF-94EB83414B7F0000 Einstein's Parrot A great brain and a bird brain spend time together By Steve Mirsky In late April the Associated Press reported the discovery of a diary written by a woman, Johanna Fantova, who was a close friend of Albert Einstein. "The 62-page diary, written in German, was discovered in February in Fantova's files at Princeton University's Firestone Library, where she had worked as a curator," the AP story noted. One fascinating revelation of the diary is that Einstein received a parrot as a 75th-birthday gift. According to the AP, "After deciding the bird was depressed, Einstein tried to alter its mood by telling bad jokes." Parrots can live for a century. In early May I may (or may not) have encountered a parrot that may (or may not) have been the bird entertained by Einstein. Speaking in German-accented English, the parrot recited a monologue. What follows is a transcript of that monologue: "How do I order beer in a bar? I say 'Ein stein for Einstein.' Hey, Parrot, what's the difference between a wild boar and Niels Bohr? When I say that God doesn't play dice, a wild boar doesn't tell me to stop telling God what to do. I hate that. So what do you say to the man who developed the exclusion principle? You say, 'Pauli want a cracker?' Wolfgang Pauli, get it? Hello, is this thing on? Testing, one, two. Hey, Parrot, I had a dream where I made love to Rita Hayworth for an hour. Well, for her it was an hour. For me, 35 seconds. That's relativity. Okay, Newton is standing on the shoulders of a giant, and he says, 'Giant, how do I get down off you?' and the giant says, 'You don't get down off me, you get down off a duck.' I love that one. Parrot, tell me, what is a Lorentz contraction? That's when Mrs. Lorentz knows the baby is coming. It's a timed dilation, not a time dilation, get it? Let's see, two guys walk into an h-bar. An H-BAR. If you knew any physics you'd be on the floor, I swear. Uh, if Ruby Keeler married, uh, John Wheeler, became a doctor and got a job in Vegas, she'd be Ruby Keeler Wheeler the heale r dealer. So what would people say if Paul Dirac fell on Jane Russell? They'd say, 'Look at Dirac on Jane Russell.' Oh, they'd say it, trust me. Okay, there are these twins, see. They're 20 years old. And one of them goes zipping around the universe really fast while the other one stays on Earth. The twin who was zipping around comes back, and he's maybe a year older, and he goes to find his brother. And the brother is now 95 years old. And the young twin comes up to him. The old twin looks at the young twin, and tears come to his eyes. And the young twin says, 'Why are you crying?' And the old twin says, 'I'm so happy.' And the young twin says, 'To see me?' And the old twin, he says, 'Yes. The $100 you owed me when you left. It's now $100,000.' From the compounding interest. Oy, these are the jokes, Parrot. What, you don't like living in a cage? Yeah, try being the most famous man in the world. I can't even go out for a haircut. You know, you're a good listener for a parrot. Oh boy, it looks like you just did a Brownian movement. Good thing I lined the cage with my cosmological constant proposal. That proposal was my second biggest mistake. My biggest mistake was my proposal to my first wife. Ba-dum-bum. Parrot, if you had a plastic deer on your lawn covered in Christmas lights, turning them on would give you the faux doe electric effect. Whaddya call it when Leo Szilard and Enrico Fermi pull up an anchor? A chain retraction! Not so good? You should hear me play the violin. So Schroe dinger and Heisenberg are driving down the road, and Heisenberg says, 'Hey, I think you just ran over a cat.' And Schroedinger, he says, 'Is it dead?' And Heisenberg says, heh heh, get this: 'I can't be certain.' Okay, so the smartest man in the world is talking to a parrot. Hey, Parrot, that's not a joke, that's my life." --

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