依原作者同意後转贴 作者: tyui0459 (TYUI) 看板: APH 标题: Fw: [翻译] Polish Jokes 波兰笑话集 (3) 时间: Wed Jun 12 02:03:06 2013 ※ [本文转录自 joke 看板 #1HirOuGK ] 作者: belleaya (台中李奥纳多皮卡丘) 看板: joke 标题: [翻译] Polish Jokes 波兰笑话集 (3) 时间: Sun Jun 9 00:05:08 2013 网志好读版 http://belleaya.pixnet.net/blog/post/32216741 (1) 自杀 Q: Why aren't there any suicides in Poland? A: You can't kill yourself jumping out of a basement window. Q: 为什麽在波兰没有人自杀？ A: 因为从地下室的窗户往外跳根本死不了。 (2) 农舍 Three travelers, one from India, one a Jew and the third a Polak, are having trouble finding a room for the night. After much searching, they finally find an Inn with only two beds left. The innkeeper offers to let the third one of them sleep in the barn. They draw straws for the two beds, and the Indian is sent off to the barn for the night. But within five minutes of the Jew and the Polak turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and there is the Indian. "I cannot sleep in the barn," says the Indian, "I am Hindu and there is a cow in the barn. Cows are sacred to us so I cannot sleep under the same roof as one." The Jew volunteers to go to sleep in the barn. But within five minutes of the Polak and the Indian turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and there is the Jew. "I can't sleep in the barn either," says the Jew, "there's a pig in the barn, and if I sleep in hay that a pig has touched, I may get some in my mouth and that wouldn't be kosher." So the Polak ventures out to go to sleep in the barn. But within five minutes of the Indian and the Jew turning off the lights and going to bed, there is a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. They open the door and there is the cow and the pig. 有三个旅人，一个是印度人、一个犹太人、一个波兰人。 他们碰上了找不到夜宿房间的问题。 经过一番寻找，终於找到个小旅舍，但只剩两张床位。 旅舍老板只能让第三个人去睡在农舍中。 他们铺好床舖之後，印度人被叫去睡农舍。 犹太人跟波兰人关灯睡觉的五分钟後， 却有叩、叩、叩的敲门声。 他们开门，是印度人。 「我不能睡在农舍里，」印度人说： 「我是印度教徒，而农舍里有牛， 　牛对我们是很神圣的所以我不能跟牛睡在同一间房子里。」 於是犹太人自告奋勇去睡农舍。 然而就在印度人跟波兰人关灯睡觉的五分钟後， 又有叩、叩、叩的敲门声。 他们打开门，是犹太人。 「我不能睡在农舍里，」犹太人说： 「农舍里有一只猪，而如果我睡的那些乾草有猪碰过， 　有些可能会碰到嘴巴，对我们而言那是亵渎神明。」 所以波兰人就只好去睡农舍。 但是就在印度人跟犹太人关灯睡觉的五分钟後， 门又叩、叩、叩的响了。 他们打开门，是那只牛跟猪。 (3) 逃到树上 A Polish, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climbing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout, "We know you're up there. Come down." The English guy, thinking fast, says, "Tweet, tweet, tweet..." The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there. Come down." The French guy, thinking fast, says, "Hoot, Hoot, Hoot..." The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up there. Come down." The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..." 波兰人、英国人、和法国人，正在躲避德军追补， 他们逃进森林里，并打算爬到树上躲着。 当德军到达时，他们先到英国人躲的第一棵树，并大喊：「我们知道你在那儿，下来吧！ 」 英国人很快地想出对策，说： 「啾，啾，啾......」 德国人心想那只是只鸟， 就到另一棵树，法国人躲的那棵下面，大喊： 「我们知道你在那儿，下来吧！」 法国人也很快想出对策，说： 「忽──忽──忽──」 德国人想说那是猫头鹰， 就再到另一棵波兰人躲的树下，再次大喊：「我们知道你在那儿，下来吧！」 波兰人想了一下之後，说： 「哞～哞～哞～」 (4) 锯子 A Polish man is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." So the Pole takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?", the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day", he tells himself. So, the next morning he gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he only manages to cut five cords. The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer." The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Pole's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Huh, it looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Pole responds, "What's that noise?" 一个波兰人想要买个锯子去锯倒後院的几棵树。 他到了卖锯子的商店问有哪些锯子。 卖家告诉他： 「瞧，我这儿有这麽多型号， 　但是你何不省时间省力气，直接挑我们最优的这款？ 　这把链锯一天可以为你锯个百来根木头！」 於是波兰人就拿那锯子回家开始锯树。 锯了几个小时後，他只锯了两棵，就放弃了。 他觉得锯子一定是哪里出错了。 「为什麽我锯几个小时只锯两棵？」他自问。 「我明天一早第一件事就是先来锯树，锯一整天！」他对自己说。 於是，隔天早上他四点起床，然後一直锯、一直锯、一直锯，直到夜幕低垂， 然而他只勉强锯了五棵树。 他终於确信他那把锯子很烂。 「卖家跟我说一天可以锯几百棵树，好， 　我会把这锯子退还给他！」 隔天一大早他就带着锯子去卖家那儿并说明问题。 卖家听了波兰人的诉求，把箱子里的链锯拿出来。 卖家说：「他看起来没啥问题呀？」 然後就启动了链锯， 波兰人回应道：「那梗梗梗梗梗的噪音是什麽？」 注：最後听到那个噪音我自己加上马达的音效。 (5) 换灯泡 Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb? A: 3. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb and the other two to spin the chair. 另一版本 A: 100001. One to hold the bulb and the other 100000 to spin the house. Q: 波兰人要换灯泡的话需要几个人？ A: 三个。一个站在椅子上抓住灯泡， 　 另外两个抓这椅子转。 另一版本 A: 十万零一个。一个抓住灯泡，另外十万个人去转房子。 (6) 神父的衬衫 A Polish man saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?" The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!" The Pole scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!" Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!" To which the Pole replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!" 一个波兰人在街上碰到神父。 看到神父的衣领，他叫住神父并说： 「不好意思，但是为什麽你把你的衬衫前後反过来穿？」 神父笑说： 「我的孩子，因为我是个神父（父亲）。」 波兰人抓抓头说： 「但是我也是个父亲啊，但是我没有把衣服穿反！」 神父又笑着说： 「但是我是上千上万人的父亲啊！」 波兰人答道： 「那你应该要把你的内裤反过来穿！」 (7) 钉子 These two Poles are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!" 两个波兰人在盖房子， 其中一个正在钉墙壁。 他拿起一个钉子，拿鎚子钉进去， 拿起另一个钉子，丢开； 又拿起一个钉子，钉进去， 再拿起另一个，丢开。 持续一阵子後，他的夥计过来， 问他为什麽要把另一半钉子都丢开。 他答： 「因为这些钉子方向是反的！」 他夥计恼怒的说： 「你白痴喔！这些是房子另一边用的！」 (8) 波兰Gay Did you hear about the gay Polak? He slept with women. 你知道那个波兰的Gay吗？他跟女人上床。 (9) 钓鱼地点 These two Polish men rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?" The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow." The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?" 两个波兰人租了艘船，到湖中钓鱼。 那天他们抓到很多鱼，相当吃惊， 所以其中一个就说： 「我们明天再来这儿钓吧！」 另一个问说： 「但是我们要怎麽记住这个渔点？」 第一个波兰人就拿出喷漆灌， 喷了一个X在船底说： 「我们明天就找这个X记号吧！」 另一个说： 「你白痴喔！我们怎麽知道明天会租到同一艘船？」 (10) 热狗 Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street. "Did you know they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other. "I did not know that." "Well, If we're going to live here, we might as well learn to eat like Americans." So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One Pole looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other Pole and asked, "What part did you get?" 两个波兰人移民到美国。 他们下船到纽约市的第一天， 就在暗中观看街上的热狗摊。 「你知道他们在美国吃狗肉吗？」其中一个问另一个。 「我不知道耶。」 「嗯，我们如果要在这边过活，我们可能就要学着如果跟美国人一样吃东西。」 所以他们各买了一份热狗，用包装纸包好， 然後在附近公园的长椅坐下食用。 其中一个波兰人看了一下他包装纸里头，然後再看看另一个波兰人的热狗，问说： 「你拿到狗的哪个部份？」 (11) 海滩把妹 A Polish man was walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a Frenchman lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women. "Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?" "Maybee I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way." "Wow! Thanks!" says the Pole, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl." "Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way." "Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman. "Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach, and still nothing! What more can I do?" "Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the front of zee sweeming suit?" 一个波兰人走在法国的海滩上， 那儿有许多美女躺在太阳下， 而他很想要找个美女认识一下。 但是不管他怎麽试，那些女人似乎完全不感兴趣。 最後，他抱着最後的希望， 朝一个身边围绕着美女、躺在沙滩上的法国人走过去。 「不好意思，」他说，并把那法国人拉到一旁， 「我整个小时一直试着要认识这些女人， 　但是我似乎没办法跟他们有什麽进一步的关系。 　你是法国人，你知道这些女人。她们要的是什麽？」 「或许我可以帮你个小～忙！」法国人说： 「你要做的，就～是去那～个商店， 　你买个小～件的三角泳裤， 　然後在沙滩上走来走去， 　就会像我一样很快认识女孩子。」 「哇，谢啦！」波兰人说完，便离开法国人走去商店。 他买了一件小小的红色泳裤，穿上它，然後走回海滩， 他在海滩上走来走去但仍然无幸吸引到女仕们。 於是他又回去找法国人。 「抱歉又打扰你一次，」他说： 「但是我去商店里买了泳裤， 　但我还是没有办法认识到女孩子。」 「好吧，」法国人说， 「我告诉你要怎麽做，你去那～个商店。 　你买一个马铃薯。 　你把马铃薯放在泳～裤里然後在沙滩走来走去。 　你会像这样认识女孩子非常非常快。」 「谢啦！」波兰人说完，跑去商店， 买了一颗马铃薯放在泳裤里， 然後在沙滩走来走去。 他走来走去、走来走去，但是女人们根本不看他一眼。 过了半小时，他忍受不住了，又回去找法国人。 「你看，」他说：「我买了泳裤，放了马铃薯进去，然後在海滩走来走去， 但什麽也没发生！我还需要做什麽吗？」 「好吧，」法国人说： 「或许我可以再帮你个小～忙， 　你何不试试把那～颗马铃薯，放到你泳裤的前半部呢？」 (12) 假装义大利人 There was once a Polish man who was extremely sad with life because people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He sat down to contemplate the situation, and after a few hours, he thought, "I have never seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am Polish and make fun of me." He went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice, he walked confidently into a shop and said, "I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini." Immediately, the man behind the counter said "Are you Polish?" This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The man behind the counter said, "Are you Polish or not?" This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owner's discerning ability and so he admitted to the fact after which he asked, "But how did you know?" The shopkeeper replied, "This is a hardware store!" 有个波兰人觉得自己生命实在很悲惨， 因为人们都一直拿他当玩笑。 他决定要做什麽事来解决这问题。 他坐下来并且仔细思考这个情况， 在几小时之後，他想到了： 「我还没有看过别人开义大利人玩笑， 　所以如果我开始假装成义大利人讲话、做动作， 　就不会有人分辨出我是波兰人，而一直嘲笑我了。」 经过闭关三个月以及许多的练习後， 他自信满满的走进一间店说： 「我现在很饿。给我一些义大利辣香肠和南瓜。」 在收银机後的男人立刻说道： 「你是波兰人吧？」 波兰人有点吓到，不过他还是重述了一次他的要求。 收银机後的男人说： 「你到底是不是波兰人？」 波兰人终於有点羞愧、也有点讶异於店主眼光为何如此敏锐， 承认他是波兰人的事实，问道： 「你怎麽知道的？」 店主答道： 「这是一间五金行！」 (13) 寻人 Two Poles, Markowski and Krachevski go to France on a pleasure trip. They meet this Frenchman called Jean Paul and become good pals. Jean Paul finds these two Poles some-what amusing and so he goes all out to make them happy. He treats them at pubs, bars, discotheques... This goes on for a while until one fine day Jean Paul fails to turn up. The Poles assume that some important work would have held him up and do not take a serious note of it. But, perhaps something more serious has occurred serious as Jean Paul does not turn up for next five days at a stretch. At this the Poles get alarmed and go to the police station to lodge a report. The inspector asks them to give details of the person who's missing. The following conversation follows: Markowski: Well, his name is Jean Paul. Inspector: It's a very common name in France. Something more please. Krachevski: Well, he is very tall. Inspector: Most of the people in France are tall. Big deal. Markowski: Well, he's got blue eyes. Inspector: Oh! no. Something more substantial. Krachevski: I got it. This is slightly uncommon. I'm sure now you shall be able to track him. You see, He's got two holes in his ass. Inspector: (shocked): Well, well, that's curious. Are you sure? Krachevski: Ya! Ya! Inspector: Are you definitely sure that this very personal info you have is CORRECT? Krachevski: Most certainly. Inspector (still skeptical): But how're you so sure? Krachevski: Simple. Whenever we used to go with him to the bar, everyone used to greet him as "Here comes Jean Paul with two ass-holes." 两个波兰人，Markowski和Kranchevski到法国旅游。 他们碰到一个法国人叫做Jean Paul，并成为了好哥们。 Jean Paul发现这两个波兰人颇搞笑的，所以他也想办法让他们旅途愉快。 他招待他们到夜店、酒吧、迪斯可舞厅...... 持续了一段时间，直到有一天Jean Paul没有现身。 两个波兰人猜想说可能有重要的事情绊住他，而没有特别在意。 但是，可能真的有什麽严重的事情发生， 让Jean Paul一连五天都没有出现。 波兰人开始觉得担心而到警察局报案。 巡警问他们失踪者的相关细节。 以下是他们的对话： Markowski: 嗯，他名字叫Jean Paul。 巡警: 那是很普通的法国人名。再多讲一些细节。 Krachevski: 嗯，他长得很高。 巡警: 大部份法国人也都很高。不重要。 Markowski: 那......他有蓝色的眼睛。 巡警: 喔，不。我要更确切一点的细节。 Krachevski: 我想到了。这个就有点不寻常了。 我确定你现在可以去找寻他了。 你知道吗，他有两个屁眼。 巡警: （惊讶）喔喔！这真的很怪。你确定吗？ Krachevski: 是啊是啊！ 巡警: 你真的真的确定你说的这个人的资讯是正确的吗？ Krachevski: 几乎确定啦！ 巡警: （仍然怀疑）但你怎麽确定的？ Krachevski: 很简单啊。 当我们之前跟他去酒吧时，每个人跟他打招呼时都说： 「Jean Paul和他的两个屁眼（混蛋）又来了！」 (14) 神风特攻队 A Polish kamikaze has flown 48 successful missions. 一个波兰的神风特攻队有48次成功飞行纪录。 (15) 飞机降落 A Polish Airways flight was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to his copilot, "Holy crap! Look how short that runway is! I've never seen one so short!" The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's insane! Are you sure we can make it?" "Well we better, were almost out of fuel." So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "Whew! That was close!" yelled the captain." That runway was short!" "Yeah!" said the copilot," and wide too!" 一架波兰航空的班机要降落 在一座他们没去过的机场。 机长从挡风玻璃看出去，然後对副机长惊呼道： 「我的天啊！你看那机场跑道也太短了，我没看过这麽短的！」 副机长也从挡风玻璃看出去。 「哇！你说的没错！根本太荒谬了！你确定我们可以成功降落吗？」 「我们最好能成功，我们快没油了。」 於是机长用对讲机对乘客广播， 要他们头摆在双膝中间准备迫降。 然後他将机翼阻力板全放下以将飞机减至刚好失速的速度上。 这台喷射机开始发出巨鸣，也在失控边缘。 机长双手冒汗，副机长祈祷着。 他们触地後， 飞机一路发出刺耳的声音直到停在跑道的边缘， 轮胎也冒着烟。 「呼！真是好险！」机长大叫：「这跑道真短！」 「对呀！」副机长说：「而且很宽！」 -- ●` ˊ● ▲ ● ▲ Belleaya 极短篇小说创作 ㄟ_▲_ㄏ www.facebook.com/belleaya.pixnet.net belleaya ▲▊ http://www.facebook.com/belleaya.pixnet.net ▲ http://www.facebook.com/belleaya.pixnet.net ▲ ▼ --

※ 发信站: 批踢踢实业坊(ptt.cc) ◆ From: 59.126.201.3 惊!! 我看错了!!!! 谢啦~~ ※ 编辑: belleaya 来自: 59.126.201.3 (06/09 00:22)

※ 发信站: 批踢踢实业坊(ptt.cc) ※ 转录者: tyui0459 (111.255.82.202), 时间: 06/12/2013 02:03:06 ※ 编辑: tyui0459 来自: 111.255.82.202 (06/12 02:03)